Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 6

So life feels better now. I know it all sounds cliché but if you have never know the bad, the good wouldn't mean anything.
I do pray I can be allowed to have this bipolar label off me. Because I believe again that God STILL performs miracles, I hope this is one He will perform, too.
But, if not, these highs and lows might continue, but I don't feel alone.
I feel as though this was quietly put in my ear to remind me I have friends who have always seen my good true colours. I'm not a monster, never was. My life choices and all these circumstances do effect you. I take things to heart, I can be all negative things, but now to reveal to everyone whose never seen them, are the positives! More of them I hope you will see in the future.





And I wonder now, what I would have thought had I looked out the windows of the planes and saw more than clouds. Would I have felt scared? No, I'm certain I would have felt very small ((possibly worried about turbulence, too lol) and wondering what those below are doing, in their homes or traffic jams, praying? When you're up there now days you do wonder about terrorism there in the skies and below. But what we should all think of is below. Again...the Bette Midler version!

So corny it's in me teeth! But I can't fault Bette, I'd loved her since Beaches. PLEASE by the way can someone tell me she won the chart war against Cliff Richard with this!!!!

So thanks to God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit
 

And this song is how I feel and how it is. 







Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 5

The next bit you all know. 
I won't delve into any detail about it because I want the whole memory of that time gone, whoosh, outta here. It will be soon, I know it.

That's how I felt those days.

But of course there was help, firsty by God, who kept my body and mind strong without my meds.
There was Mum, there was Alison, M, P, and my sis and some of those on my friends list I will not mention here. And of course the lovely lady from the British Embassy who got them to pay for a Christmas Eve flight so I arrived home in the morning.





At first the genuine release of gratitude occurred, then the darkness as I had to explain every week to my CPN the things that happened.
But on my birthday, I downloaded a song I hadn't heard in ages, I bought the Bette Midler version and the Elaine Paige version!
I was jaded before, almost like venomous poison ran through my veins, then to have a fantastic celebration where I felt nothing but positivity and love, and hear this song, it was like a Revelation,
So I put this song up for these people: my Mum, who has seen my pain and my tears more times than she deserved yet never once shouted at me, gave hugs and love, Alison for doing more than your best to help me even though I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and I was too proud to let you see the physical state I was in, how I wish we could still pray together, P for calling and I could feel the pain you felt for me, and I love you. You love me and I often asked why. M for giving me help and calling
me, too. You had the foresight from God (and the Internet!) to know it was all going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go but you thought I would have even if you told me. Bless you. My sis who was so worried. I love you and the furbabies so much! There are others, again I won't put their names up here, but thank you,one includes a singer!
This is the song



Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 4

So a funny thing happened one night. I went into town to drink (I don't drink now) and I went everywhere. Then I thought I'd go into the offy and buy some cheap wine. After a queue w young lady was serving me, she took me to one side and said she will sell them, but had I heard of Jesus Christ. I said yes but I don't know what to do. She asked in front of the whole bunch of people and her managers if she could pray for me. I was stunned. I felt she must think I'm actually worthy. She did as she touched me and said her prayer for me out loud. 
This was the beginning. Although not at once, but soon.
We moved to England and even though I wants to be normal I knew I wasn't.
My cutting was alsways superficial, but after a while some were not. I felt peace when I did it.
I know I was raged, and as I don't take deep things out on people, I punished myself. I would be a good girl an wrap my arm and legs up and I would put salt water on my tummy.
This song describes these as "pink ribbon scars" and they are when you feel it, but I regret the damage I caused myself as one arm is very noticeable. But after you've stopped the deep scars are shame to you. However I see them as a memorial to my past.


So of course hospitalisation . Many times.

Eventually we unexpectedly reconnected with our cousin Raymond who put me in touch with a local minister called Alison, she is an amazing friend and I miss her. But she baptised me and I'll never forget.
Of course I'm still "unwell" but I start to feel a light at the end of the tunnel.





Moving along, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar. I hadn't really thought of that, I thought I was just messed up. But - thinking of it my feelings went from the next song to the other in a heartbeat until I was prescribed with lithium.





Next Page



Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 3


so my life was on a downward spiral. 
I managed to ditch my boyfriend, so my life became a bit boring.
I would go to a mental health day centre and I even made painting for a charity that sold at an arena.
I met the guy I used to fancy as a child, Smuf they named him but he was an incredible man.
But I missed the old days, going to illegal raves, my mind blown, thinking I was happy when really it's heavy and the acid screwed my mind up, the amount of voices and vision yet I'd still let him give me more. .
I was lost.











This is for all my friends and readers now xxx

http://thehalsteadhermit.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/hymne-lmour-im-me-again-4.html

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 2








These two are for my sis - I love you and all you do!! 
The last is for me, one of the first times music and lyrics touched me.



The Heavyside Lair - Heaven