Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Front Row with Popcorn

Firstly a big thank you to "anon" for providing the address
130 S Stinson in Anaheim California.
I will get back to you shortly. I thought it was Hope!!!
Well there's lots going on here, and I thought I'd get out one or two writings, just maybe a Jumbled few words, characters are many.
Maybe it was because of my time in a hospital that I decided ages back to study certain mental illness, but unlike bipolariy, these one ones are people with the stigma is actually deserved.
Dangerous people.
Anyway friends, I may not write for a while so I send my total love and adoration to very reader here.

LOL PRN time!!

In the front row with popcorn....

Do you go to the dungeon to make peace with your days in th dungeon?
I can't love you because of my Hetrosexuality and my age limits on anyone I could fancy.
"I want you to be schooled in an awe like you were kissed by Iesus full on the lips...."

I laughed until my lungs hurt love the way you bust my chops...lol
You never feel seen and you hate that, yet you are well aware you're erasable.
I've spoken to you to see how much you hate to be interrupted.
Why don't you fill up your proverbial cup so it doesn't always have to be about you.
Are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life seemingly?
You never wanted to be noticed  as one to be whipped but certainly not analysed.
Apparently you're misrepresented, 
Convinced any the concept of slings being thrown at you several times a day.
I'm not mad at you so and so.
I'm mad of myself for spending so much time with your Jedkll and Hydness
I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist,
You laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!!"
Oh, the things I have done for you,
Many a stitch my friend.
Many a tongue bitten, 
Many a city,
But I do not regret it

These two for P and M. 

Love is a verb.

Well I know how much Sunshine would hate gays, constantly calling them sodomites. That there going to be an earthquake to swallow them all.
So I've added this last song just for you. Funny how you say nothing bad about lesbians...
It's two songs in one, the last one is the original. I love the line "well what about me? I'll find someone whose not going cheap in the sales"
Anyone can listen to these and hear either a word or two, or the whole songs mean everything to me.
I'm not posting this on The HH Facebook page because this is deep.
I've been groomed, used and abused no just by so so love.
But might I add, you instigated what is to come. But be assured, I won't ever go to my grave without a pilling ALL the beans.

Love to my genuine readers and my v close FB friends who know to come here.



Monday, 15 May 2017

The Sun Does Rise in the Eastern Sky

Well, I wasn't happy much before. A combination of sleep deprivation and then seeing that even more people know the madness occurring (my good friends know the situation and support me, too).  I've thought to myself about others in the world who don't know real love or kindness, so they become bitter and wanting to start all sorts so they can, I don't know, be The Piper or Baba or something else to make them feel they have importance. I used to hate such people, but really, how can I if they  
allow they're own spite to affect even their own lives and the people unfortunate enough to be their 
targets. I know I won't be the first person to say if they had not let darkness and animosity grow inside them they would be calm, and not obsessive, and more obsessive in their group packs mentality. 
And I speak for myself here, too. Satan would try to find any way to sneak into people's minds and make them who they were not. I think it was maybe over two years ago I was put on lithium and that has changed most of my life! I still become suicidal but like a small ng says "you and I both know they wouldn't mind if I curled up and died", so the answer to that is to live. 
People, screw them! You are you, you are not nasty or cruel or doing the weirdest things to ruin lives. You have mental health issues, and that, to me, means if you can get the right medication and therapy your life will improve and give you the strength to remember you are better than anyone who tries to hurt you.  Their opinions do not count!


Says it all.

The songs above are my favourites at the moment! Yes , I'm becoming a Bette Midler music fan!!!

And lastly is a song that brings me hope, I loved it when it was released, I love it now!!

God bless all my friends here! XxxxX

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 6

So life feels better now. I know it all sounds cliché but if you have never know the bad, the good wouldn't mean anything.
I do pray I can be allowed to have this bipolar label off me. Because I believe again that God STILL performs miracles, I hope this is one He will perform, too.
But, if not, these highs and lows might continue, but I don't feel alone.
I feel as though this was quietly put in my ear to remind me I have friends who have always seen my good true colours. I'm not a monster, never was. My life choices and all these circumstances do effect you. I take things to heart, I can be all negative things, but now to reveal to everyone whose never seen them, are the positives! More of them I hope you will see in the future.

And I wonder now, what I would have thought had I looked out the windows of the planes and saw more than clouds. Would I have felt scared? No, I'm certain I would have felt very small ((possibly worried about turbulence, too lol) and wondering what those below are doing, in their homes or traffic jams, praying? When you're up there now days you do wonder about terrorism there in the skies and below. But what we should all think of is below. Again...the Bette Midler version!

So corny it's in me teeth! But I can't fault Bette, I'd loved her since Beaches. PLEASE by the way can someone tell me she won the chart war against Cliff Richard with this!!!!

So thanks to God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit

And this song is how I feel and how it is. 

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 5

The next bit you all know. 
I won't delve into any detail about it because I want the whole memory of that time gone, whoosh, outta here. It will be soon, I know it.

That's how I felt those days.

But of course there was help, firsty by God, who kept my body and mind strong without my meds.
There was Mum, there was Alison, M, P, and my sis and some of those on my friends list I will not mention here. And of course the lovely lady from the British Embassy who got them to pay for a Christmas Eve flight so I arrived home in the morning.

At first the genuine release of gratitude occurred, then the darkness as I had to explain every week to my CPN the things that happened.
But on my birthday, I downloaded a song I hadn't heard in ages, I bought the Bette Midler version and the Elaine Paige version!
I was jaded before, almost like venomous poison ran through my veins, then to have a fantastic celebration where I felt nothing but positivity and love, and hear this song, it was like a Revelation,
So I put this song up for these people: my Mum, who has seen my pain and my tears more times than she deserved yet never once shouted at me, gave hugs and love, Alison for doing more than your best to help me even though I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and I was too proud to let you see the physical state I was in, how I wish we could still pray together, P for calling and I could feel the pain you felt for me, and I love you. You love me and I often asked why. M for giving me help and calling
me, too. You had the foresight from God (and the Internet!) to know it was all going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go but you thought I would have even if you told me. Bless you. My sis who was so worried. I love you and the furbabies so much! There are others, again I won't put their names up here, but thank you,one includes a singer!
This is the song

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 4

So a funny thing happened one night. I went into town to drink (I don't drink now) and I went everywhere. Then I thought I'd go into the offy and buy some cheap wine. After a queue w young lady was serving me, she took me to one side and said she will sell them, but had I heard of Jesus Christ. I said yes but I don't know what to do. She asked in front of the whole bunch of people and her managers if she could pray for me. I was stunned. I felt she must think I'm actually worthy. She did as she touched me and said her prayer for me out loud. 
This was the beginning. Although not at once, but soon.
We moved to England and even though I wants to be normal I knew I wasn't.
My cutting was alsways superficial, but after a while some were not. I felt peace when I did it.
I know I was raged, and as I don't take deep things out on people, I punished myself. I would be a good girl an wrap my arm and legs up and I would put salt water on my tummy.
This song describes these as "pink ribbon scars" and they are when you feel it, but I regret the damage I caused myself as one arm is very noticeable. But after you've stopped the deep scars are shame to you. However I see them as a memorial to my past.

So of course hospitalisation . Many times.

Eventually we unexpectedly reconnected with our cousin Raymond who put me in touch with a local minister called Alison, she is an amazing friend and I miss her. But she baptised me and I'll never forget.
Of course I'm still "unwell" but I start to feel a light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving along, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar. I hadn't really thought of that, I thought I was just messed up. But - thinking of it my feelings went from the next song to the other in a heartbeat until I was prescribed with lithium.

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