Sunday, 18 December 2011

Baptism

Hello, you!
I said goodbye to my psychologist last Monday.  I thought it would be heartbreaking but it was easier than I thought.  10 months of therapy, and I am becoming a better person for it. 
I've changed a lot.
News update: 
I have a daugher now!!!!
My 4 month old kitten!!!!.
Last year I would never have been able to take responsibilty of another but I love her so.
She can be a handful but gives me her unconditional love.

Now down to what I decided.....

I decided that in Febuary I will be baptised.
It's not a decision I came to overnight, I've been thinking about it for a while now.

But Febuary will be the perfect time for me to make that statement to God and to the enemy that I mean business, and that I love God.

Sheila, if you are reading this, will you come along?

xxx

Thursday, 17 November 2011

I Was Afraid

I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up.
I wan afraid of your physical strength, I was afraid you'd hit below the belt.
I was afraid of your Sucker Punch.
I was afraid of you reducing me, I was afraid of your alcohol breath.
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me, I was afraid of handles being punched into walls.
I was afraid of your testosterone.
I was afraid of verbal daggers, I was afraid of the calm before the storm.
I was afraid for my own bones.
I was afraid of your seduction, I was afraid of your coercion.
I was afraid of your rejection.
I was afraid of your intimidation, I was afraid of your punishment.
I was afraid of your icy silences, I was afraid of your volume.
I was afraid of your manipulation, I was afraid of your explosions.

I have as much rage as your have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
I've kept mine bubbling under for you.

fb's

My good old friend flashbacks.....
When I was in respite I had a pretty good week, 2 flashbacks. 
This week I've had a few of them, getting a bit much.

I also met a woman called Debbie, who is going to help me with my day to day stuff.  Not quite sure what exactly but my cpn said things will be taken slowly with me....I doubt that very much!!!  Since when do mental health teams go slow? 

My cpn is also taking me to the rspca next week!!!
I can't wait!!!  I want to have a littyle friend to love asap.

My ex cpn sent me a thank you card, and a photo of the flowers I sent her.  I am so touched!! 
I do miss her.

That's all folks!!

xxx

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Last Night of Respite

I'm a poet and I know it! :)
Well, I've made it a week of my bedstay here.
RIght now I'm in a project for people with personality disorders.  Whilst I'm still struggling coming to terms with the fact I have been told I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder ( a supposedly nicer term for Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD) I have to say that although I don't think I could come here during the day as I'm so not good with groups of people (darn that kindergarten teacher), I must admit that it's been a well deserved break from my life at home.  OK, I don't work, but for me living is fearful and full of dangers.  It's impossible for me to get on buses on my own and they were going to do outreach work with me, but that is going to be sorted by my cpn anyway. 
What happens when I get home?  I spend a night with my mother.
Mum isn't my biggest fan....I ring her up constantly.  Mind you, I do that even when I'm home! 

I calculated this last night...I haven't cut for 9 months.  That's ever since my first stay here at the project.
Anyway, that's enough from me!

Monday, 24 October 2011

Positive Prayers

My best friend Jenny taught me about positive prayers a couple of weeks ago.
I don't know if there is such a thing as praying 'wrongly', but I may have been close to praying the wrong way until I learnt this the other week.
Before I would plead to God like this:
"Please please please please please please God will you make my winter be a better one.  I know I ALWAYS get depressed even more every winter, and I don't want to end up in The Lakes again.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I BEG OF YOU HELP ME!".
Now, I know God hears every prayer, but I know a better way to pray now.
Now I say " Dear God, I want to thank you for making my last winter a blessing, I know that the winters with depression are gone, and this Christmas will be joyous for me and all my family and friends...".
And what a difference a positive prayer makes to my mood!!!  I don't feel like I am burdening God, and I do feel, well, positive!!
I finally had time to share this bit of news with you, and I don't want you thinking you've been praying the wrong way, either! Just know that when you pray a positive prayer, God will actually lift your mood and you will feel feel the benefits!
Have a blessed day!
Lizzie!

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Recent news

So I haven't been blogging for a while.
My sister in law is a lovely person, and I can see that she and my brother are in love!  It's nice to see my brother is in love!
My cpn left, I was heartbroken.  I'm still upset.  It's hard to lose someone that I've seen once a week for 3 years.  I got a basket of flowers delivered to her workplace just before she left, and she loved them!
But she gave me much more over the years, and I hope she will have such a happy retirement.
My new cpn, is also lovely, in a different way.  Right now she is in Amsterdam taking part in a marathon!

I get more depressed during the winter months and my new cpn said she has plans for me! She wants me to keep me busy and plans than I see another worker to help me use the buses (that reminds me, I got my bus pass!  Valid for 5 years!) on my own, and that will take some doing as I never get on buses without my mother.
She wants me to go to the personality disorder place once a week.  After I 'graduate' from my psychologist sessions, I will be getting once a week counselling sessions there, too.

A BIG change is I made a friend this week!  She lives in the same block of flats that I do, also knows about isolation, and, after knowing me for 5 minutes invited me to flatsit for her!  Which I'm doing right now!  It's great fun!
It's so great to know that I - ME - actually made a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is a bit younger, 26, and said I look her age too, now THAT'S a friend lol.

So that's my news.  I hope Sheila, Jenny and Alison get to read this!  Let me know if you do!  I sometimes wonder if I am writing to myself!  (which may not be a bad thing lol)

Buh Bai!

Monday, 19 September 2011

Errors Of Thinking

Hi.
Last week my therapist gave me some papers on Errors Of Thinking.  Check out http://powerstates.com/10-cognitive-thinking-errors to see them.
I have every single one of these errors!  But fear not, apparently everyone goes though them every now and then.  So I'm still not bonkers, then!!
Well this was my 'homework' for the week. I wrote down a few of my issues that I thought might have been errors of thinking this week, and Anna said I did a good job.  The problem is realising which errors I am making.  One thing that I wrote down, had 5 errors combined haha. 
I must do the same again this week, and next week I will have some A4 pages to write them all down and work through.  It's a little daunting because yes I feel better after we go through each error, but I still feel kinda stupid because these errors seem so silly afterwards.  Why is it these little things become so huge and trip me up?  Or why do I let them trip me up?
I hope Anna and I get to banish these little monsters!

Monday, 22 August 2011

'New'

I was writing such a long reply to Sheila, that I ended up deleting most of it to write here instead. 
Most if it, I cannot remember even though I deleted it less than 5 mins ago.  But that doesn't mean it was a lie!
Oh yes, I somehow got onto the subject of my flat....that it still feels 'new' to me.  I've been there about 2 years?  (I have terrible short term memory with all the meds I take)
There was a time abot 6 months ago when I begged my cpn to take me back to the shelter I had been living in.  The shelter has it's own problems.....drink, drugs, although all but one were nice tenants (at the time!  Now one of the ex tenants is being done for sexually assulting a 13 year old girl here) .  The time I left the shelter, I was given a flat to rent by a friend (who died last year) and Jenny said it was God Given.
Well, I ended up getting worse mentally and wanted to move back in.  I was SO LONELY.  (I STILL get those moments of utter dispair but they are almost fleeting now...still, when they come they sting.)
This lasted for about a year.  Can you imagine a year of complete mental torment, self isolation and fear of living?
I don't know what happened.  But these past few months I've done a 180.  I like (and will maybe even love, soon) where I am, and I am getting used to being around me...instead of loathing me, I am learning all about me, like a 'new' friend.

Now onto a different subject altoghter.

I have 1 month until my cpn leaves.  That's only 4 visits left.  Already I can sense her distancing herself.  I know she is probably doing this for my own good.  Yes, D-Day is fast approaching.

Wht else....

My new sister-in-law will be here in 2 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is Thai and I'm told she doesn't speak English very well.  She will be here for 7 weeks and since my brother will be working most of those weeks, I am a a loss as to how Mum and I will entertainer her for so long.  Especially with the language barrier, I am so very nervous.  I want to be the best sister ever for her, I really do.

I am thinking we could all go to Colchester and have that 'fish therapy' that everyone's going on about nowdays.  The stuff Jenny wouldn't do if you paid her!!!  lol!!!  I'm sure my sis will have already experienced this thing in a real lake or whatever, but it might bring us a wee common bond for a while?
We don't have a car so it's busses all the way.  What else can we do to make her stay an enjoyable and memorable one....goodess knows.  We will see when she gets here, I will try to update you all when my brother lets me have his laptop!

Anyway, enough about me, it's like writing a non fiction here....and no one would pay to read my autobiography!
Oh and many thanks to Alison A for bigging up my blog and subbing!!!  Love ya!!
Lotsa love to you, whoever you are reading this right now.

Lizzie x x x

Sunday, 7 August 2011

My Week So Far

...has been a blessing.
Well, at first it didnt seem like it.  In fact it felt a bit like a curse until a couple of days ago.  Mainly becausevthis place has so many people coming and going all day.  Especially in the Friendship Groups.  I've tended to shun most groups because I don't have enough confidence to talk in front of others BUT.....I am certainly gaining in confidence!!!
I've made more friends, too!!!!!   At least I hope I have.  They may well not wish to know me after my stay is over, but for now they have become friends that I already appreciate. 
Now, unless this place can provide transport from Halstead to here, I will only be able to meet them all once every 3 months :-(  BIG SADNESS :-(
But IF they do work out transport, I might be able to see my new friends once a week!!
Please pray this will happen!
Your very own Halstead Hermit x

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Two weeks

Soon I'll be in a respite bed for 2 weeks.  The place is nice but for various reasons I can't get there as often as I would like to. 
I'm nervous.
Firstly I can't afford to buy the food in that I need so I may just bring in 14 pot noodles for supper time!
Then of course the probem is who will be in the other respite beds.  Will they be pleasant or rude or annoying or spiteful or sad. 
And what will I be like???  Will I be any of the above?
And 2 weeks away from mum.  2 weeks away from my 'normal' life.

I am so very nervous.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Thank You Jesus

This week I was thinking back to my last blog, where I stated some of the wonderful things my cpn has done for me, when it suddenly occured to me that I had forgotten (how horrible am I) a certain Someone.
Jesus!
How silly of me, I was still so shocked at the news, but I still cant believe just how ungrateful I have been...
Jesus has been there for me this whole time and I forgot to thank Him.

In fact, every single thing that my cpn has done for me, my Saviour has done for me a million times over.
Never leaving my side through it all.....never forgetting to love little old me.

Thank you Jesus, I love you.

Lizzie x

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

What a difference a year makes

I've recovered from the shock news of my cpn retiring (and the shock of learning she is even old enough to retire...she looks much young!) and got out of the selfish part that was ruining what is a good thing for my cpn....a chance for her to do what she wants to do!  No paperwork and lots of time to watch Jeremy Kyle lol.  Just kidding, who watches that patronising git anyway?!
Seriously though, I am pleased that my cpn will be able to travel, and do all she's been hoping to do at last.
It must be a great feeling for her, and she must be excited. 
So I've been looking back at how I was before she changed my life all those years ago. 
I was hopeless.  Devastated.  In the gutter.  The worst feelings a person could have were dumped right on my shoulders and my life was a living hell.
My cpn stood by me.  When I spent the whole 60mins with her crying my eyes out, she would let me do so, speaking gently and listening without judgement.
When my arms were cut and still bleeding she didnt shout at me.
When I hated her she was patient.
When I tested her she was kind.
When I was clingy she still talked to me like I was a 30 something but without making me feel guilty.
When I needed advice she gave it.
When I thought of self harm she would tell me how distressing for others that is.
When I needed a friend, she was there!
In fact, she has been there for me from the start, never let me down and made me believe in myself.
She says I have a wicked soh!
She has helped me think of a healthy lifestyle...........
................she has changed my life for the better and I will never forget her.
I thank God for bringing her into my life and trust in Him that He will look out for her.

Yes, I've come a long way from this tome last year.
I know I've said that before.
But it's true. 
Thank you, Lord, for letting me get to know my cpn, you both have enriched my life thus far.

Lizzie x

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Time To Say Goodbye

My cpn broke the news to me this week, that she is retiring this September.  I am heartbroken.
She has been there for me for nearly 4 years, every week.  What will I do without her? How can I cope without her?
I cried all night long until I couldn't cry anymore.
My mum and friends don't seem to fully understand just how much my cpn leaving me is affecting me.  I still laugh with them, make conversation, smile appropriately but I am so sad deep down, devastated in fact.
Please pray.
Lots of love, Lizzie x

Saturday, 2 July 2011

being aware, anticipation and respite

Hi, well this week has gone fast and thankfully not too much drama involved.

Jenny taught me something about one of my last posts where I spoke of how I was anticipation my mood dropping so low again.  Jenny taught me that instead I should be aware that my mood MIGHT drop and not anticipate it at all.

I shall try this.

I've been invited to a wedding in July, and I was told by a friend that Phil said he would take me to it.
I said thanks but it's now left me with a wee dilemma...what clothes to wear.

Now, I'm not one of these women with outfits for all occasions, every season.  I'm a jeans girl, and with the minimum amount of colour and design possible. 
I can't afford to buy new clothes so lets pray I can find some clothes and shoes good enough to wear or I aint going!

I've been offered a respite bed for 2 weeks on the 1st of August! 
I was there for 1 week 3 months ago and by the end of it I didn't want to leave.
It's a place for people with personality disorders. 
Do you think I have a personality disorder? 
I'll go, even though I'm certain I have to pd at all!!!

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Why

Well firstly I spend all night in agony worrying about going back to church.  Then I get there and after the singing I begin to feel 'out of it'.  Helen and Sheila take me home but on the way I noticed something that makes me shy away from people:
I couldn't talk.
I mean, I could only just participate in small talk if someone asks me a question, but as for talking, nope, I couldn't do it.
I'm stupidly embarressed to chat to people I know well and that wouldn't harm me. They must think I am either thick or snobbish.  I'd like to think I am neither. 
I had huge self harm ideas today, huge.
As soon as church is over, it's tea break time.  And that's when trouble really begins! 

I've decided I am no going back to church, I shall pray on my own, where I feel less pressure, and where I can save myself the embarressment of never knowing what to say.
Lizzie.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Tom's Diner

These past two weeks have been very unusual for me.  This Sunday, I will have been out 13 out of 14 days in a row!!  I go out with my Mum and two of our friends to the local coffee shop where we put the world to rights for almost 2 hours before we do a bit of shopping.  This is not doing my purse any favours!!!
Great to people watch, oh the things you see!
Well, what a change.  I find if I stay in I cannot tolerate being alone (self harm thoughts creep in) so I go out for the company.  It kills a few hours and I like it, although one thing scares me:
what happens if or when I go back into my old routine and stay indoors feeling low, cutting, or suicdal thoughts decide to bombard my brain?  Trust me, they will be back, they always come back.

Anticipatory Anxiety again?


I hope your week has been good and that you are in good health!
Thanks for reading! x

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Reasons why I am not a good Christian

Here it is. I have to come clean. I am not a good christian. I wish I was!
I am a sinner and a fraud.
Why?
I have no self belief. I have gone from being scared of living to being scared of dying...and a christian should shouldn't be scared of meeting the Lord when the time comes.
I swear. I smoke. I have an addictive personality and I although I no longer abuse painkillers I am still tempted by them. I like horror movies. I find it difficult to read the Bible as I find it so very hard to understand that I always give up. I don't believe gays won't get into Heaven. I hallucinate and am hyper sensitive, feeling too much pain for others and too much pain with every sideways glance people give me. I am too shy to meet others and therefore will never find a husband to love. I have pco so will never conceive anyway. I am a glutton and a sloth. I believe I am going to hell when I die because of these constant sins. Sins that I know are bad yet I do everyday.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Bohemia



Hi!  What a good day I've had today!  I met Sheila in town!  It was so great to see her!  We both told of how we admire each others blogs.  I don't see how anyone could find my blog an inspiration, and I'm not saying that for a compliment!  I mean I look at it again and again and I feel slightly embarressed that I mentioned this or that, or that I didn't put it in a more intelligent way.  It's much easier for me to make a music video than talk, and even then it can take days of hard work for it to still be choppy etc.  I am my own worst critic.
Anyway I have been thinking, how about I share with you some of my favourite songs?
Some of them I may like because the lyrics touch my heart, some it's the melody that has captured my imagination, and others I just like for fun!
The first one is called....Bohemia, as if you didn't know!  When I was penpalling many years ago, a friend sent me a cassette (remember them?) with this song included and now thanks to the marvel that is Youtube I can share it with you, too.  I don't think much of the video itself, but sometimes at night I listen to this and imagine sitting in France with a cup of coffee watching the world go by with nothing to fret about at all. 
Nothing much else to say about me or my life this week, but there will be a more serious blog soon enough (feel too happy to write it today...thanks Sheila!)

Hope you enjoy the song,
Lizzie x

Sunday, 12 June 2011

The Watcher

Behind the curtain, here I sit
And watch the world go by
No one can see me where I sit
They cannot catch my eye

They cannot see this little room
Cluttered and forlorn
No one even knows I'm here
ANd they won't know when I'm gone

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

How Old Am I? Am I Mad?

My frend Sheila posted a blog and inspired me to do the same.

How old am I? I don't know anymore.

Am I mad? NO!!!!!!!!

I've been seeing a psychologist for the past few months. She is amazing and is making me see myself in a new light.

One thing we are working on is my age. I mean, yes, I am 33, but I don't act my age and I certainly don't feel it. Anna is working with me to make me feel 33 again. It's slow work.

She has also helped me realise I am not mad!! At least I HOPE I am not.
And it's a new realisation. Until I met Anna I had no idea the things I am experiencing could be put down to something very simple.

You see, I see hear things that aren't there. I smell things that aren't there.

Madness?

No, they are memories!

It seems everythng I smell (the worst kind of smells possible) are flashbacks. You may not understand this, but I am relieved. I've spent a couple of years thinking my psychiatrist was keeping some horrible diagnosis from me, that I was so far mentally ill that he couldn't even tell me incase it made me worse or something.

Anyway, my psychologist has taught me some 'Grounding Techniques' to help me cope with these flashbacks. One of them is to have eucalyptus sweets and suck them when the smells come as the eucalyptus will mask the bad smells and the memories that accompany them will lessen.
I'll be buying some Halls sweets asap.

What Sheila was saying made sense, but for me, I have to delve right into my past, my childhood, to make a better future for myself.
The point of therapy is to change things now (not the past, obviously) or else I'll be stuck with the same behaviours that have led to me being this way now. Maybe even some accountability, too.

Scary.

I still don't know my proper age, though.

Lizzie.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Friday Nights

Friday nights are no go nights in Halstead. I hate them. Drunk people banging my door shouting "fire!", fights, drug deals, all outside my place. Not that I go out at night, but how I'd like the option of going out to the chippy or whatever for a sneaky bite to eat on a weekend! On my holiday I drank 10 pints of beer to get drunk, just like the Halstead idiots here. My meds prevented me from even getting tipsy and that's when I realised what a pointless activity getting drunk really is. Why should I try to get drunk if it makes you a yob anyway? Well, that's my wee rant over.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Please let it rain

I'm writing this on my mobile! Ooh how modern I am lol. Today I've contemplated a bit about my life and how it is changing still. This time last year I was full of fear and wanted to die. This time last year I od'd and was in an mental health unit called the lakes in Colchester. How bad were those times when I gambled with my life only to find God had spared me each time. I wasn't particuarly grateful that he did, until one time when I was allowed to go to th cgh shop. As I left, I decided instead of going straight back to the unit, I would sit by the pond and the ducks. It began to rain. People who know me well know I love rain. I knew it was God trying to communicate to me. I felt his presence and knew He had kept me alive for a reason (This reason is still unknown to me) and I felt His peace. There are still times when I'm down so low, but those are the times I must think of Him most to save me from the depths of desperatiom that covers my whole body mind and spirit. I pray I'll overcome these bouts again

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

5 pounds

Well, I would never have believed it but I joined WeightWatchers last week, AND..........
My care co-ordinator weighed me today and I've lost 5 pounds!!  With hardly any effort at all!
This has really boosted me, and I thank the Lord for helping me do this.
I know some weeks might be hard but this week I feel good!  And I lost an inch off my waist!

Well back onto this week.  Yesterday was so very hard for me.  Depression took hold and I felt ike cutting.  I didn't, I remembered how I regret it hours later.  Somehow I got through last night. 
My last overdose was in Febuary.  And this time THIS TIME, I didn't feel like overdosing during my wee bout of depression.
Normally my depression lasts months so I am doing remarkably well, praise Jesus.

I know I should be writing more on this post, but I'm stumped as to what to say.
This blogging lark aint as easy as it sounds!

Oh........thanks Jenny for following my wee blog! 
Jenny is my best friend apart from Jesus  She has helped me through some very tough times and never once shouted at me.  I love her very much.

Lizzie x

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Under Rug Swept (Hands Clean)

Introduction

Hi there,
My name is Lizzie.  I am a Christian woman, 33 years of age and I am not particuarly normal.
Why?   I have suffered with severe depression since  was 13,  I also have social phobia and Emotionally Unstable Personality DIsorder....oh and psychotic pisodes.  The last bit will scare you off me completely. 
I don't hear voices commanding me to kill, or to hurt anyone other than myself.
I am on a variety of meds that control a lot of my symptomns and thankfully they don't make me a zombie until I take my sleepers.
I plan to add youtube music videos, lyyrics and poetry (including my own) here.

Thanks for stopping by!