Sunday, 26 June 2011

Why

Well firstly I spend all night in agony worrying about going back to church.  Then I get there and after the singing I begin to feel 'out of it'.  Helen and Sheila take me home but on the way I noticed something that makes me shy away from people:
I couldn't talk.
I mean, I could only just participate in small talk if someone asks me a question, but as for talking, nope, I couldn't do it.
I'm stupidly embarressed to chat to people I know well and that wouldn't harm me. They must think I am either thick or snobbish.  I'd like to think I am neither. 
I had huge self harm ideas today, huge.
As soon as church is over, it's tea break time.  And that's when trouble really begins! 

I've decided I am no going back to church, I shall pray on my own, where I feel less pressure, and where I can save myself the embarressment of never knowing what to say.
Lizzie.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Tom's Diner

These past two weeks have been very unusual for me.  This Sunday, I will have been out 13 out of 14 days in a row!!  I go out with my Mum and two of our friends to the local coffee shop where we put the world to rights for almost 2 hours before we do a bit of shopping.  This is not doing my purse any favours!!!
Great to people watch, oh the things you see!
Well, what a change.  I find if I stay in I cannot tolerate being alone (self harm thoughts creep in) so I go out for the company.  It kills a few hours and I like it, although one thing scares me:
what happens if or when I go back into my old routine and stay indoors feeling low, cutting, or suicdal thoughts decide to bombard my brain?  Trust me, they will be back, they always come back.

Anticipatory Anxiety again?


I hope your week has been good and that you are in good health!
Thanks for reading! x

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Reasons why I am not a good Christian

Here it is. I have to come clean. I am not a good christian. I wish I was!
I am a sinner and a fraud.
Why?
I have no self belief. I have gone from being scared of living to being scared of dying...and a christian should shouldn't be scared of meeting the Lord when the time comes.
I swear. I smoke. I have an addictive personality and I although I no longer abuse painkillers I am still tempted by them. I like horror movies. I find it difficult to read the Bible as I find it so very hard to understand that I always give up. I don't believe gays won't get into Heaven. I hallucinate and am hyper sensitive, feeling too much pain for others and too much pain with every sideways glance people give me. I am too shy to meet others and therefore will never find a husband to love. I have pco so will never conceive anyway. I am a glutton and a sloth. I believe I am going to hell when I die because of these constant sins. Sins that I know are bad yet I do everyday.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Bohemia



Hi!  What a good day I've had today!  I met Sheila in town!  It was so great to see her!  We both told of how we admire each others blogs.  I don't see how anyone could find my blog an inspiration, and I'm not saying that for a compliment!  I mean I look at it again and again and I feel slightly embarressed that I mentioned this or that, or that I didn't put it in a more intelligent way.  It's much easier for me to make a music video than talk, and even then it can take days of hard work for it to still be choppy etc.  I am my own worst critic.
Anyway I have been thinking, how about I share with you some of my favourite songs?
Some of them I may like because the lyrics touch my heart, some it's the melody that has captured my imagination, and others I just like for fun!
The first one is called....Bohemia, as if you didn't know!  When I was penpalling many years ago, a friend sent me a cassette (remember them?) with this song included and now thanks to the marvel that is Youtube I can share it with you, too.  I don't think much of the video itself, but sometimes at night I listen to this and imagine sitting in France with a cup of coffee watching the world go by with nothing to fret about at all. 
Nothing much else to say about me or my life this week, but there will be a more serious blog soon enough (feel too happy to write it today...thanks Sheila!)

Hope you enjoy the song,
Lizzie x

Sunday, 12 June 2011

The Watcher

Behind the curtain, here I sit
And watch the world go by
No one can see me where I sit
They cannot catch my eye

They cannot see this little room
Cluttered and forlorn
No one even knows I'm here
ANd they won't know when I'm gone

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

How Old Am I? Am I Mad?

My frend Sheila posted a blog and inspired me to do the same.

How old am I? I don't know anymore.

Am I mad? NO!!!!!!!!

I've been seeing a psychologist for the past few months. She is amazing and is making me see myself in a new light.

One thing we are working on is my age. I mean, yes, I am 33, but I don't act my age and I certainly don't feel it. Anna is working with me to make me feel 33 again. It's slow work.

She has also helped me realise I am not mad!! At least I HOPE I am not.
And it's a new realisation. Until I met Anna I had no idea the things I am experiencing could be put down to something very simple.

You see, I see hear things that aren't there. I smell things that aren't there.

Madness?

No, they are memories!

It seems everythng I smell (the worst kind of smells possible) are flashbacks. You may not understand this, but I am relieved. I've spent a couple of years thinking my psychiatrist was keeping some horrible diagnosis from me, that I was so far mentally ill that he couldn't even tell me incase it made me worse or something.

Anyway, my psychologist has taught me some 'Grounding Techniques' to help me cope with these flashbacks. One of them is to have eucalyptus sweets and suck them when the smells come as the eucalyptus will mask the bad smells and the memories that accompany them will lessen.
I'll be buying some Halls sweets asap.

What Sheila was saying made sense, but for me, I have to delve right into my past, my childhood, to make a better future for myself.
The point of therapy is to change things now (not the past, obviously) or else I'll be stuck with the same behaviours that have led to me being this way now. Maybe even some accountability, too.

Scary.

I still don't know my proper age, though.

Lizzie.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Friday Nights

Friday nights are no go nights in Halstead. I hate them. Drunk people banging my door shouting "fire!", fights, drug deals, all outside my place. Not that I go out at night, but how I'd like the option of going out to the chippy or whatever for a sneaky bite to eat on a weekend! On my holiday I drank 10 pints of beer to get drunk, just like the Halstead idiots here. My meds prevented me from even getting tipsy and that's when I realised what a pointless activity getting drunk really is. Why should I try to get drunk if it makes you a yob anyway? Well, that's my wee rant over.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Please let it rain

I'm writing this on my mobile! Ooh how modern I am lol. Today I've contemplated a bit about my life and how it is changing still. This time last year I was full of fear and wanted to die. This time last year I od'd and was in an mental health unit called the lakes in Colchester. How bad were those times when I gambled with my life only to find God had spared me each time. I wasn't particuarly grateful that he did, until one time when I was allowed to go to th cgh shop. As I left, I decided instead of going straight back to the unit, I would sit by the pond and the ducks. It began to rain. People who know me well know I love rain. I knew it was God trying to communicate to me. I felt his presence and knew He had kept me alive for a reason (This reason is still unknown to me) and I felt His peace. There are still times when I'm down so low, but those are the times I must think of Him most to save me from the depths of desperatiom that covers my whole body mind and spirit. I pray I'll overcome these bouts again