Thursday, 17 November 2011

I Was Afraid

I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up.
I wan afraid of your physical strength, I was afraid you'd hit below the belt.
I was afraid of your Sucker Punch.
I was afraid of you reducing me, I was afraid of your alcohol breath.
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me, I was afraid of handles being punched into walls.
I was afraid of your testosterone.
I was afraid of verbal daggers, I was afraid of the calm before the storm.
I was afraid for my own bones.
I was afraid of your seduction, I was afraid of your coercion.
I was afraid of your rejection.
I was afraid of your intimidation, I was afraid of your punishment.
I was afraid of your icy silences, I was afraid of your volume.
I was afraid of your manipulation, I was afraid of your explosions.

I have as much rage as your have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
I've kept mine bubbling under for you.


My good old friend flashbacks.....
When I was in respite I had a pretty good week, 2 flashbacks. 
This week I've had a few of them, getting a bit much.

I also met a woman called Debbie, who is going to help me with my day to day stuff.  Not quite sure what exactly but my cpn said things will be taken slowly with me....I doubt that very much!!!  Since when do mental health teams go slow? 

My cpn is also taking me to the rspca next week!!!
I can't wait!!!  I want to have a littyle friend to love asap.

My ex cpn sent me a thank you card, and a photo of the flowers I sent her.  I am so touched!! 
I do miss her.

That's all folks!!


Sunday, 13 November 2011

Last Night of Respite

I'm a poet and I know it! :)
Well, I've made it a week of my bedstay here.
RIght now I'm in a project for people with personality disorders.  Whilst I'm still struggling coming to terms with the fact I have been told I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder ( a supposedly nicer term for Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD) I have to say that although I don't think I could come here during the day as I'm so not good with groups of people (darn that kindergarten teacher), I must admit that it's been a well deserved break from my life at home.  OK, I don't work, but for me living is fearful and full of dangers.  It's impossible for me to get on buses on my own and they were going to do outreach work with me, but that is going to be sorted by my cpn anyway. 
What happens when I get home?  I spend a night with my mother.
Mum isn't my biggest fan....I ring her up constantly.  Mind you, I do that even when I'm home! 

I calculated this last night...I haven't cut for 9 months.  That's ever since my first stay here at the project.
Anyway, that's enough from me!