Thursday, 24 December 2015

Breakout!!


Move on, don't hesitate....breakout!!!

I have been in a prison recently, of my own mind. 
I've let my fears overtake me, and although they are still there, today and tonight I learned to "breakout" of my cage. The cage of my own making.
I'm not looking for sympathy, or for anyone to say well done (although admittedly that would be nice!) 
This morning I pushed through the barriers to go out. I only managed to make it to Dough's Bakery (love ya's Debbie and Richard and crew!!) to give some presents to friends and gratefully recieve some in return, bless you and thank you.
But what I'm getting at, is that it IS possible to get out of a funk that's keeping you down temporarily (I have bipolar so I do have these highs and lows though usually not as bad as recently) and shine. Shine in ways you can't believe.
It takes such strength to do this, it's the hardest thing and impossible for 'the normals' to imagine. 
I've been there ad no doubt I will be there again, but we must take any opportunity given to us to just 
try to LIVE. Not exist.

We can do this!!!!

Like tonight I've been invited to go to a Christmas bash at the local tomorrow, where a band is playing.....I'm going!!!!!!
And, call it impulsivity of a bipolar if you want (personally I call it treating myself at long last) I've booked a ticket to see Glenn Close as Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard in London for my birthday in April!!!!
I've wanted to see this musical since I heard With One Look by Elaine Paige many moons ago.
This is going to be like a dream come true as Glenn Close ain't bad either! Her, Elaine and Betty Buckley rock the musical.
So, things can change if we can garner the inner strength not to give up.
And on Chrostmas day I will spend with Alison and her family. I can't wait.
Things are changing!

"Take a chance you stupid ho"....ok I am.
So here is the song my mum and I picked for this post. 
Corny and 80's, but great basic inspirational words...and a beat to dance to alone or if brave enough, with company!!
I wish you a merry Christmas, everyone who reads this without vomiting lol.
Lots of love, Lizzie xxx




Tuesday, 22 December 2015

How to receive

Today's all about me.
Not in a selfish way, this post is not only about me but for everyone struggling this Christmas, this year. 
I intend to spend Christmas alone, or intended. I think it's probably too late to take up the offer of spending Christmas Day with my dear friend and her family.
I don't want to be here this Christmss, asleep would do me fine I suppose. 
Life has been hard this year, as a career and as a person, I am not a robot, yet I feel the mundane and the reality of life hard to deal with.
But I need me time too. 
I'm sure there are a few reading this who feel the same, that life is too much and things are incredibly hard to deal with, especially st this time of year. Running around with a happy merry mask on. 
I feel your pain and carry those burdens too. You are not alone. Please believe me.
So this song, is not just spiritual, but healing too.
We, we all need time to regenerate. 
I hope this song gives you some hope or peace, or just a song that applies to you and touches you. 
I can't post the original song as its banned I the uk!!!
So I hope the lyric video is ok for you.

Love Lizzie xxx



Sunday, 13 December 2015

Here comes another new day



I do go to extremes.
Sometimes thinking I'm better than I am, able to conquer the world, orpther times I feel like scum and don't dare leave the flat, or, as I discussed with my Support Worker last week, I can sit at any coffee shop and put the happy mask on that fools all but a few. 
The past few months I have been lower than I have been since around 4 years ago. 
The past week it's been a mixture of low and in between moods, where I can feel ok but still not well enough to go out. On Friday I ventured out with my mum. And it was so hard, people don't recognise me with my hair change, or they are embarrassed that they once knew me,
But nevermind them, let's talk a bit about what my Support Worker said I should do. I should kind of go with my feelings of the hour, day, week. One spday t a time a good friend of mine wrote in my wall last night. They're right, I can't judge my moods anymore.
But it's not as if all is lost, I'm on new meds and I have a wonderful friend who has invited me to her family's Christmas Day. Friends who will text me and care enough to write through Facebook, and by the way I consider each and every one who supports my Facebook page as my friends, too.
I'm hoping I will find the courage to go to the Panto next week, to see and support a friend there.
I know for a fact I would love it.
So as I think of another new day, I will take it how it comes, go with the flow, learn, but still keep my dreams surrounding me, so that I don't keep being complacent, but learn to embrace each day.
Right now.......I'm happy!!!







Saturday, 5 December 2015

Purgatorying

I've Not been writing ting enough. 
I've not been writing at all.
I guess I've been busy being a self absorbed pest, my mother has been thrown into doing everything when she is out, as I stay in waiting for parcels.
I'm still not able to communicate to the outside world and peoplewho write to me (I will get back to you all eventually) 
Who am I to be blue?
Who am I to feel dead? 
I will get over this sadness, and out of purgatory.

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again
Anesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes
And fill every hour with activity or ear candy
Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan

And keep me in this state
And keep me purgatorying
And sing me back to sleep
This is far more than I had bargained for

Start every week with a break-neck urgent design
And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time
Spending my fruits my purchases become my lifeline
Please give my love to my family
I'll doubtfully be home at christmas time


Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if i'm to wake
This is far more than i am equipped for


And I've held you up like a deity
Like you're the sole owner of wings
This unrequited tunnel vision
And i wonder why i've not been writing


And keep me in this state and keep me purgatorying 
And sing me back to sleep, this is far more than I have bargained for.



Sunday, 22 November 2015

What good is sitting all alone in your room?


Today I ventured out with hat on (then hat off) around Halstead, had a coffee with my lovely mother. It's the first time I've been out for anything other than hospital appointments since I left The Lakes MHU. 
It felt great.
I took a chance and took off my hat and asked my Mum to take a photo of the occassion, and it was an occasion, Mum took the photo above and I've put this up as I felt liberated and happy to be out. 
I haven't liked myself since I pulled my hair out, but today, I felt whatever normal is supposed to feel like!
Sitting having a latte, my hair uncovered, I was truly being the real me, warts and all.
It's given me the push I needed to believe I can go out again, but as I am.
I will get comments from people who say hello and do not read this blog, or maybe strangers who have noticed me but don't understand the stark change in appearance.
It's the perfect opportunity, I suppose, to explain mental illness and my recovery. 
The video below, well, I'm not quite up to doing handstands or karaoke just yet, but the sentiments are clear.
Although I will definitely not put down my knitting!!!
To sum up, 
Today for me (and my proud Mum) was perfect.



Friday, 20 November 2015

Afternoons and Coffeespoons (and T.S Eliot)








I'm feeling rather low but my humour is still with me, praise God! 
So I thought of a song that kinda lifts my mood, making light of my current situation that I haven't discussed here. 
My hair that I pulled out - a lot of it isnt growing back.  I look a bit like a fool so I've bee buying a lot of stuff online to keep me from going out and facing the world.
You may call it vanity, but I do look stupid. So I've ordered wigs, some normal, others for Christmas. As a laugh,  pics below! 
But I'm keeping my chin up for my mum, who can see my moods swing. I'm constantly knittingscarves. And looking forward to listening to Enya's new album on my iPad!

So although I may seem less happy to everyone, please remember it's just a moment and this time will pass, as U2 say!
Enjoy your afternoons my friends, and pyjamas in the daytime is perfectly acceptable!!! I wear the every day!
Lizzie xxx


Fun lol

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Fear Of Bliss (and ensuing solitude)


Fear Of Bliss (how I am right now) 



I've been isolating myself again, in a bad way by even refusing to see asp gp about my "soft tissue damage" to my arm, wrist, hand and knee!
I'm even refusing to see the denspntist where I know some teeth will be pulled.
I'm buying lots of yarns to do my k ittingm soending a fortune on eBay.
Any excuse not to go out.
Is it because I ou,led my hair our in the MHU?  Or is it because I could be normal again and that scares me? 
I don't recommend solitude for anyone, please don't do it. 
I've been offered a voluntary job at the charity shop I used to work at, and I'm thinking seriously about it. Should I try? 
Should I go for it?
Will I fail?
Or will I be great up at it? 
A lot to ponder when you refuse to go not thee door. 

Lizzie

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Love and Anger (and being discharged from a MHU)


"It could take me all my life, but it would only take a moment to tell you"

Yesterday I was formally discharged from The Lakes MHU.
After a weeks leave. 
It was actually hard saying goodbye to my consultant doctor, who has been nothing but kind to me.
My fried took me there, and we were in reception 2 odd hours until being seen by her, despite almost all (if not all) nurses in the ward passed us knowing we were there waiting, I guess they Gita get their own back somehow!  

 We discussed a few practical things, like me giving my notice in to my landlord  and 
Looking for some kind of supported housing first before thinking of mobpving into my mums again,
They seemed to agree, the people in the room. 
The thing about my doctor there, and a reason why I chose this song, is she is excellent and knows I need a huge amount of therepy.
She was easy to talk to, though not shy in challenging you, but listens intently 100% focuses on you and any solutions there are.
I couldn't tell my sister, and. I could not tell a priest. But I could tell her.
(What would we do without you?)
My point is, she was there. Working hard every day. Approachable (if you weren't scared of wasting her time as I felt I was).
This song describes my thoughts and feelings and I imagine her reactions are the other verses.
Thank you, expect a black scarf for Christmas lol.







Thursday, 22 October 2015

Everyday is a winding road

He was high on intellectualism. 
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice.

Pushing on through life when then winding road is uphill and without any form of transportation unless you feet count!
But pushing for that horizon.



Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Calling All Superstar Wonderful Weirdos

Calling
 all superstar wonderful weirdos

What is normal? I have no idea anymore. I am embracing my weirdness, and my quirkiness, my lack of hair, my leaving behind toxic relationships and turncoat friends.
I have you, dear reader, as you try to understand me but accepts me for whatever I am, the "complex" Lizzie.
I will write more about my time under section 3, which has now been rescinded! 
But I found this song and thought it describes many of us, either in the past at school, or now at school.
We are survivors and we don't need to fit in.
Embrace yourself!


Saturday, 17 October 2015

Echoes In Rain


I apologise for not being able to update my blog for a while.
I got manic then very low, and was sectioned twice.
I'm on weekend leave but will be officially discharged on Monday.

The stories I could tell of the mental health unit I was in, the staff (most of whom were pleasant), the clients (patients) and treatment. But most of this should be left out of this blog and maybe published elsewhere out of respect to those still suffering and of course, their privacy.
I will say I am glad to be out of  my "cell" as I called it. Many people too ill to know what is even happening around them, and one or two of the usual attention seekers.
At the end of my stay I remained on my own, devoting my time to my music and writing, Joyce Meyer, my friends and the Bible.
It was best for me to withdraw and focus.

So my big day out was lovely, the local coffee shop welcomed me back with open arms as they were aware of my situation.
I felt so loved.
Being around town after no leave on section 2 and  3 was particuarly difficult for me. I have trouble being in crowds and it didn't help being unsteady on my feet with the lithium and other new meds.
Childhood trauma has almost ruined my adult life but I'm pressing on. 
Not just for myself but for my mother and friends who have been such a great support during this time.

But today had a huge positive, I've ordered Enyas new album out soon, she is one of the few voices that "calm me right down" and her new song, well I hope it brings you the hope it brought me this afternoon!
You can't go wrong with a bit of Enya in your life!
May this song bring you some peace and comfort, whether you are in a good frame of mind or going down the ladder fast.


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Lucio - my blind cat


Here are some pics of my the test addition to my family!


Meet Lucio, my 9 month old cat.
Beautiful boy, who had a terrible start in life with horrid owners, but how sweet he is!










Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Thank U


Thank you.

I have been thinking recently (overthinking) how I have a tendency to dwell on the bad.
It will always be the case, I can't change that.


But I've been called to count my blessings.
I have a mother who I love dearly. A niece in Thailand who I adore,
My cat who may be ill, but always loving.
A brother who cares and protects me, friends who have my back and always supportive.
I have lived in a country that was bombed countless times and still, I survived.
I'm making changes,
Big ones.
They may take time, but I will be better for it,

So the bad things, well, they can either haunt me or I can try to heal, and I must be thankful for all the events that have led to me still being alive.
I'm not being dramatic, 
But it's time to grow.







Do I want to fit in?
 Here's the answer:



Me today:




Friday, 31 July 2015

How to contact me

if you'd like to join my Facebook page, please go to:
The Halstead Hermit Facebook Page

If you would like to add me as a friend on Facebook - and you can put up with my crazy posts!
Please go to the link below and send me a message first!

Click Here for my profile page

Keep smiling!!!

Grizabella the Glamour Cat


I apologise for such a long time of no posts.
My cat, Bella, has cat flu, and I now think she is losing her sight in one eye.
I've have a couple of trolls on my Facebook page, but That is their problem, I have my cat to think of.

She was named after the character is Cats the musical.
You may even see me in town someday wearing proudly the shirt.






I may not post as much here while she is poorly, so if you would like to see little updates, please look at my Facebook page The Halstead Hermit, where I do a few updates when I feel unable to write much here.

Until I blog again (which won't be very long) I leave you with the best version of Memory, performed  by one of the best singers there is, Betty Buckley.



Sunday, 5 July 2015

Every precious dream and vision underneath the stars


Last night I watched the moon as it rose outside the window. At first I was so scared as I assumed since it was so large and was rising that fast that I was hallucinating yet again. 
It took my Mum to try to reassure me several times that she could see it, and that it was normal.
It was like I was witness to some celestial event that would have been seen hundreds of years ago.
Then, about a half hour before I began to write the post you are reading now, I remembered this beautiful, well written if not somewhat ironic song.
There's probably many interpretations as to the lyric meanings.
Drugs? Maybe. 
But I don't see it as a poet or artist jealous of another, rather I see it as a song about being in awe of another persons talent.
I see myself, listening to a musical, or my love for a lyricist like Tim Rice, or an artist such as Van Gogh.
I'm not upset that I will never produce a masterpiece of any kind, or that my mediocrity dictates I will not see Brigadoon....
I saw the whole of the moon last night. Literally. 
That's all I needed, to see something real.
And I will never lose the capacity to adore other people's beauty, either.
For those of you who know how to inspire, keep on. For you are indeed blessed!








Saturday, 4 July 2015

A beautiful day in Halstead - take a smile!


Its been a glorious day for me.
The past week has not been the easiest, yet I managed to make some decisions that are changing my life, and in a couple of weeks, my life will be much improved.
so today I ventured out into Halstead High Street, and felt optimistic, and even took a selfie!
The street was buzzing, and people made me feel included, yay!!!


Saturday, 27 June 2015

You're in the front row with popcorn


So now, as the article from the Halstead Gazette has been put online, my anonymity is gone, and it's actually a relief. Because now people can see  that we, the 'crazy' ones are not so crazy, but just "a little unwell".
Sometimes we don't take care of our appearance, I've been known not to wash my hair for weeks because there was no motivation. Not laziness, but just thinking I'm not worth it, what's the point,  and I hate myself. I'm also known to dress like a 'dag'. In fact the only bright part of me when I am depressed are my multicoloured fluffy socks and soon, my scarf for winter.
Have you ever felt like staying in bed all day? 
We feel that, only not as a pleasurable experience doing nothing but sleep. We can lie there for hours upon hours, overthinking and full of despair.
sometimes we can get used to that also though, and become complacent in staying in rut. 
It's not our fault!!!!
It's not your fault.
We need people to care for us,and here in Halstead,my sunny polite personality to people, it's occasionally noticeable when I am low. a bandaged arm is one giveaway.
Yet people here are so kind and will ask us how we are, and some will just smile, and change my day into a good one.
Now what I am going to tell you, please don't take offence.
But these posts on my website won't always be joyful,mor full of the joys of spring.
When I get low, or see things (other than cats that I see constantly) I can become so low it may get to you.
But my close friends and family don't give up on me, they may give me space but they wait patiently (though desperately) for the storm to pass.mtheynknow deep down there is the rea me, where I am not unwell.
If you see us mumbling at ourselves, a simple "hello" or, like I said before, a smile, they can be enough to bring us out of the pain even momentarily. And that, my friends, makes you a kind soul.
Here is a song that may sound depressing, but it perfectly describes me when I am ill, but the quote abound, and the song below describes my mental statesmen in a crisis, or a breakdown,
I urgently to listen and take in the message. 
Don't think of this as a sad song, it's one of hope she people do wait to see how we used to be.


Thursday, 25 June 2015

Almost Rosey


Well,the local Gazette will be out next Friday, with an article about mental illness, and this blog.
In must admit I am very nervous.
What will it be like?
So I'm trying to focus my mind on who inspired me to revive my blog.
My support worker.
But not only her, but the whole team that are in Halstead and Colchester.
They have been so kind and they actually believe in me.
My support worker presumes I could make something of my life, and I've decided that tomorrow, after my self imposed isolation, I will go out and face the world again. 
I'm a carer for my Mother, and she's been great going out each day by herself, but missing me and me missing her.
She is a star, I'm her carer, and most people do not know the health problems she has, and some of those who do, do not know the full extent.
 And she is also my carer.
So today I think of those who care about me, and others who care for people.
My support worker, she has a smile on her face all the time and has my journal full of musings and a wish list.
My cpn, she is a star also. So are the cpn's before her.
There is one who is very special to me and I won't forget her.
She also smiles. I like smiles.
There is a song that describes how I am, and how they inspire me.
Words from them and myself.
Thank you all so very much.
And by the way, when you, the reader of this post now, look at the article, please think of mental health awareness. Think of those who struggle, or feel as thought they are in hell. Those who smile through the pain, and those reading who have mental illness:
You will survive, put those rose coloured glasses to the test.




Sunday, 21 June 2015

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Schizoaffective Disorder (like tomorrow doesn't exist)


My own experience with this disorder, has not exclusively consisted of mania or even mere contentment.
In fact, it's a constant dance of survival by any means necessary in my own head.
For example, I can look calm to people, yet my inner turmoil can keep me awake...inside.

The video below has lyrics of what myself  and many others go through each and everyday.
Not always a physical dance, and even the visual portrayal of a mind in distress.
Whether one is living to exist or existing to live, 
I know I am not alone.
We see the same from different eyes.



Wednesday, 17 June 2015

It's just a moment - this time will pass


Stuck in a moment...

Last night, around 8pm I took my bedtime pills and went to bed and slept all night.
The first time in months.
I was depressed, and I certainly was stuck in a moment.
In fact I've been stuck in a moment for decades.
I can make strives, but throughout the day and night I can focus on my past, the bad events that have scarred me and made me into what I am today.
Some will say it's genetics, but I know the truth.

However, I also know if the past can't be forgiven and left there (by me) I can't move on and grow.
I have been stuck in these moments for too long, 
And I will get better.
This is not a sad song, or a depressing one. 
For me, it's about redemption.
I will recover.


Monday, 15 June 2015

Bringing out the love I have inside



I'm so very happy this morning! 
So I have decided to put my own daily music videos, if not, then twice daily haha.
Here's a song I woke up to this morning.
Georgy Girl


I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.


Letting go and becoming the person I wish to be still means I face difficulties every day.
But I shall grow and love this day.



Saturday, 13 June 2015

La tristesse durera toujour?

No!!!
Tonight my ptsd was bad.
But then I remembered...this blog!
Started several years ago, but my support worker said last Monday, why don't I revive this old blog so I can express my thoughts.
I'm guessing the crisis line have complained about me, then!
Well that's no problem.
The fact that there are some people bothering to read this, you all give me the hope I need to keep myself going, and a reason to smile.
Thank you!


You can't drink lava from plastic glasses


I tried to sit through St Elmo's Fire ( the movie!) 
It was not as good as I remembered, but the song!
The song itself is so uplifting (you broke the boy in me, but you wont break the man for example)
And the music itself. 
And I realised, perhaps I should focus on what I can do in the future.
Last night I was told I have compassion. I would not have believed that recently.
I've been bitter, rude, nasty even. 
My attitude needs to change. Whether it be sooner or later, I will become a better person.
I can make it, I know I can.

Let all the dreamers wake the nation


I'm feeling much more positive.
Song meanings are speaking to me, giving me hope and helping me discover more about me.
Since I a, happy, and a Carly Simon fan again, here is
Let The River Run


Thursday, 11 June 2015

if it wasn't for the nights...

The nights.
They have been messing up my life. I've been an insomniac for weeks since my psychiatrist took me off several pills. He said it would do me good. 
Recently, I've been experiencing hallucinations. The usual cats etc I'm almost becoming used to, but not visions of planets and asteroids that are seemingly about to hit Earth. 
Then I stumbled upon the photo above, 
And I see the beauty. 
So I'm going to imagine this beauty surrounds me at night and pray the "monsters of the night" keep clear!

Rockin' over the beat

When a bad day becomes fabulous, you just feel like dancing!
Technotronic 


No more inside (saltwater rain)

I am cleansing myself.

oscail mo shull!

Colours of my mind

What life looks like when I am happy 


What life looks like when I'm sad


Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Fear...


Diabeetus!!

Been to my gp.
I've had a terrible upset tummy and other stuff I'll get into another time.
It seems my diabetes is out of control again, and, with the help of my bestie, I've decided it's time to change my lifestyle again. 
At least that's how I feel this hour, my fear is feeling suicidal in another hour or seeing things yet again tonight.
But let's focus on now.
Thank you to my bestie, for encouraging me and never giving up hope and seeing light in the darkness when all I see is black.


They didn't break me


When I offer you survival,
You say it's hard enough to live,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad
How do you know that you're right?

I awoke on the roadside,
In the land of the free ride,
And I can't pull it any longer,
The sun is beating down my neck

So I ran with the devil
Left a trail of excuses,
Like a stone on the water,
The elements decide my fate,
Watch it go.

I feel my vision slipping in and out of focus,
But I'm pushing on for that horizon,
I'm pushing on I've got that When I offer you survival,
You say it's hard enough to live,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad.
The elements decide my fate,
Watch it go.
You say it's hard enough to live,
Don't tell me that it's over,
Stand up
Poor and tired,
But more than this

How do you know that you're right?
If you're not nervous anymore,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad

I feel my vision slipping in and out of focus,
But I'm pushing on for that horizon,
I'm pushing on,
Now I've got the blowing wind against my face

So you sling rocks at the rip tide,
Am I wrong or am I right?
I hit the bottom with a "huh!"
?? Quite strange,
I get my glory in the desert rain.

Monday, 8 June 2015