Saturday, 27 June 2015

You're in the front row with popcorn

So now, as the article from the Halstead Gazette has been put online, my anonymity is gone, and it's actually a relief. Because now people can see  that we, the 'crazy' ones are not so crazy, but just "a little unwell".
Sometimes we don't take care of our appearance, I've been known not to wash my hair for weeks because there was no motivation. Not laziness, but just thinking I'm not worth it, what's the point,  and I hate myself. I'm also known to dress like a 'dag'. In fact the only bright part of me when I am depressed are my multicoloured fluffy socks and soon, my scarf for winter.
Have you ever felt like staying in bed all day? 
We feel that, only not as a pleasurable experience doing nothing but sleep. We can lie there for hours upon hours, overthinking and full of despair.
sometimes we can get used to that also though, and become complacent in staying in rut. 
It's not our fault!!!!
It's not your fault.
We need people to care for us,and here in Halstead,my sunny polite personality to people, it's occasionally noticeable when I am low. a bandaged arm is one giveaway.
Yet people here are so kind and will ask us how we are, and some will just smile, and change my day into a good one.
Now what I am going to tell you, please don't take offence.
But these posts on my website won't always be joyful,mor full of the joys of spring.
When I get low, or see things (other than cats that I see constantly) I can become so low it may get to you.
But my close friends and family don't give up on me, they may give me space but they wait patiently (though desperately) for the storm to pass.mtheynknow deep down there is the rea me, where I am not unwell.
If you see us mumbling at ourselves, a simple "hello" or, like I said before, a smile, they can be enough to bring us out of the pain even momentarily. And that, my friends, makes you a kind soul.
Here is a song that may sound depressing, but it perfectly describes me when I am ill, but the quote abound, and the song below describes my mental statesmen in a crisis, or a breakdown,
I urgently to listen and take in the message. 
Don't think of this as a sad song, it's one of hope she people do wait to see how we used to be.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Almost Rosey

Well,the local Gazette will be out next Friday, with an article about mental illness, and this blog.
In must admit I am very nervous.
What will it be like?
So I'm trying to focus my mind on who inspired me to revive my blog.
My support worker.
But not only her, but the whole team that are in Halstead and Colchester.
They have been so kind and they actually believe in me.
My support worker presumes I could make something of my life, and I've decided that tomorrow, after my self imposed isolation, I will go out and face the world again. 
I'm a carer for my Mother, and she's been great going out each day by herself, but missing me and me missing her.
She is a star, I'm her carer, and most people do not know the health problems she has, and some of those who do, do not know the full extent.
 And she is also my carer.
So today I think of those who care about me, and others who care for people.
My support worker, she has a smile on her face all the time and has my journal full of musings and a wish list.
My cpn, she is a star also. So are the cpn's before her.
There is one who is very special to me and I won't forget her.
She also smiles. I like smiles.
There is a song that describes how I am, and how they inspire me.
Words from them and myself.
Thank you all so very much.
And by the way, when you, the reader of this post now, look at the article, please think of mental health awareness. Think of those who struggle, or feel as thought they are in hell. Those who smile through the pain, and those reading who have mental illness:
You will survive, put those rose coloured glasses to the test.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Schizoaffective Disorder (like tomorrow doesn't exist)

My own experience with this disorder, has not exclusively consisted of mania or even mere contentment.
In fact, it's a constant dance of survival by any means necessary in my own head.
For example, I can look calm to people, yet my inner turmoil can keep me awake...inside.

The video below has lyrics of what myself  and many others go through each and everyday.
Not always a physical dance, and even the visual portrayal of a mind in distress.
Whether one is living to exist or existing to live, 
I know I am not alone.
We see the same from different eyes.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

It's just a moment - this time will pass

Stuck in a moment...

Last night, around 8pm I took my bedtime pills and went to bed and slept all night.
The first time in months.
I was depressed, and I certainly was stuck in a moment.
In fact I've been stuck in a moment for decades.
I can make strives, but throughout the day and night I can focus on my past, the bad events that have scarred me and made me into what I am today.
Some will say it's genetics, but I know the truth.

However, I also know if the past can't be forgiven and left there (by me) I can't move on and grow.
I have been stuck in these moments for too long, 
And I will get better.
This is not a sad song, or a depressing one. 
For me, it's about redemption.
I will recover.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Bringing out the love I have inside

I'm so very happy this morning! 
So I have decided to put my own daily music videos, if not, then twice daily haha.
Here's a song I woke up to this morning.
Georgy Girl

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.

Letting go and becoming the person I wish to be still means I face difficulties every day.
But I shall grow and love this day.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

La tristesse durera toujour?

Tonight my ptsd was bad.
But then I remembered...this blog!
Started several years ago, but my support worker said last Monday, why don't I revive this old blog so I can express my thoughts.
I'm guessing the crisis line have complained about me, then!
Well that's no problem.
The fact that there are some people bothering to read this, you all give me the hope I need to keep myself going, and a reason to smile.
Thank you!

You can't drink lava from plastic glasses

I tried to sit through St Elmo's Fire ( the movie!) 
It was not as good as I remembered, but the song!
The song itself is so uplifting (you broke the boy in me, but you wont break the man for example)
And the music itself. 
And I realised, perhaps I should focus on what I can do in the future.
Last night I was told I have compassion. I would not have believed that recently.
I've been bitter, rude, nasty even. 
My attitude needs to change. Whether it be sooner or later, I will become a better person.
I can make it, I know I can.

Let all the dreamers wake the nation

I'm feeling much more positive.
Song meanings are speaking to me, giving me hope and helping me discover more about me.
Since I a, happy, and a Carly Simon fan again, here is
Let The River Run

Thursday, 11 June 2015

if it wasn't for the nights...

The nights.
They have been messing up my life. I've been an insomniac for weeks since my psychiatrist took me off several pills. He said it would do me good. 
Recently, I've been experiencing hallucinations. The usual cats etc I'm almost becoming used to, but not visions of planets and asteroids that are seemingly about to hit Earth. 
Then I stumbled upon the photo above, 
And I see the beauty. 
So I'm going to imagine this beauty surrounds me at night and pray the "monsters of the night" keep clear!

Rockin' over the beat

When a bad day becomes fabulous, you just feel like dancing!

No more inside (saltwater rain)

I am cleansing myself.

oscail mo shull!

Colours of my mind

What life looks like when I am happy 

What life looks like when I'm sad

Tuesday, 9 June 2015



Been to my gp.
I've had a terrible upset tummy and other stuff I'll get into another time.
It seems my diabetes is out of control again, and, with the help of my bestie, I've decided it's time to change my lifestyle again. 
At least that's how I feel this hour, my fear is feeling suicidal in another hour or seeing things yet again tonight.
But let's focus on now.
Thank you to my bestie, for encouraging me and never giving up hope and seeing light in the darkness when all I see is black.

They didn't break me

When I offer you survival,
You say it's hard enough to live,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad
How do you know that you're right?

I awoke on the roadside,
In the land of the free ride,
And I can't pull it any longer,
The sun is beating down my neck

So I ran with the devil
Left a trail of excuses,
Like a stone on the water,
The elements decide my fate,
Watch it go.

I feel my vision slipping in and out of focus,
But I'm pushing on for that horizon,
I'm pushing on I've got that When I offer you survival,
You say it's hard enough to live,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad.
The elements decide my fate,
Watch it go.
You say it's hard enough to live,
Don't tell me that it's over,
Stand up
Poor and tired,
But more than this

How do you know that you're right?
If you're not nervous anymore,
It's not so bad, it's not so bad

I feel my vision slipping in and out of focus,
But I'm pushing on for that horizon,
I'm pushing on,
Now I've got the blowing wind against my face

So you sling rocks at the rip tide,
Am I wrong or am I right?
I hit the bottom with a "huh!"
?? Quite strange,
I get my glory in the desert rain.

Monday, 8 June 2015