Thursday, 24 December 2015

Breakout!!


Move on, don't hesitate....breakout!!!

I have been in a prison recently, of my own mind. 
I've let my fears overtake me, and although they are still there, today and tonight I learned to "breakout" of my cage. The cage of my own making.
I'm not looking for sympathy, or for anyone to say well done (although admittedly that would be nice!) 
This morning I pushed through the barriers to go out. I only managed to make it to Dough's Bakery (love ya's Debbie and Richard and crew!!) to give some presents to friends and gratefully recieve some in return, bless you and thank you.
But what I'm getting at, is that it IS possible to get out of a funk that's keeping you down temporarily (I have bipolar so I do have these highs and lows though usually not as bad as recently) and shine. Shine in ways you can't believe.
It takes such strength to do this, it's the hardest thing and impossible for 'the normals' to imagine. 
I've been there ad no doubt I will be there again, but we must take any opportunity given to us to just 
try to LIVE. Not exist.

We can do this!!!!

Like tonight I've been invited to go to a Christmas bash at the local tomorrow, where a band is playing.....I'm going!!!!!!
And, call it impulsivity of a bipolar if you want (personally I call it treating myself at long last) I've booked a ticket to see Glenn Close as Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard in London for my birthday in April!!!!
I've wanted to see this musical since I heard With One Look by Elaine Paige many moons ago.
This is going to be like a dream come true as Glenn Close ain't bad either! Her, Elaine and Betty Buckley rock the musical.
So, things can change if we can garner the inner strength not to give up.
And on Chrostmas day I will spend with Alison and her family. I can't wait.
Things are changing!

"Take a chance you stupid ho"....ok I am.
So here is the song my mum and I picked for this post. 
Corny and 80's, but great basic inspirational words...and a beat to dance to alone or if brave enough, with company!!
I wish you a merry Christmas, everyone who reads this without vomiting lol.
Lots of love, Lizzie xxx




Tuesday, 22 December 2015

How to receive

Today's all about me.
Not in a selfish way, this post is not only about me but for everyone struggling this Christmas, this year. 
I intend to spend Christmas alone, or intended. I think it's probably too late to take up the offer of spending Christmas Day with my dear friend and her family.
I don't want to be here this Christmss, asleep would do me fine I suppose. 
Life has been hard this year, as a career and as a person, I am not a robot, yet I feel the mundane and the reality of life hard to deal with.
But I need me time too. 
I'm sure there are a few reading this who feel the same, that life is too much and things are incredibly hard to deal with, especially st this time of year. Running around with a happy merry mask on. 
I feel your pain and carry those burdens too. You are not alone. Please believe me.
So this song, is not just spiritual, but healing too.
We, we all need time to regenerate. 
I hope this song gives you some hope or peace, or just a song that applies to you and touches you. 
I can't post the original song as its banned I the uk!!!
So I hope the lyric video is ok for you.

Love Lizzie xxx



Sunday, 13 December 2015

Here comes another new day



I do go to extremes.
Sometimes thinking I'm better than I am, able to conquer the world, orpther times I feel like scum and don't dare leave the flat, or, as I discussed with my Support Worker last week, I can sit at any coffee shop and put the happy mask on that fools all but a few. 
The past few months I have been lower than I have been since around 4 years ago. 
The past week it's been a mixture of low and in between moods, where I can feel ok but still not well enough to go out. On Friday I ventured out with my mum. And it was so hard, people don't recognise me with my hair change, or they are embarrassed that they once knew me,
But nevermind them, let's talk a bit about what my Support Worker said I should do. I should kind of go with my feelings of the hour, day, week. One spday t a time a good friend of mine wrote in my wall last night. They're right, I can't judge my moods anymore.
But it's not as if all is lost, I'm on new meds and I have a wonderful friend who has invited me to her family's Christmas Day. Friends who will text me and care enough to write through Facebook, and by the way I consider each and every one who supports my Facebook page as my friends, too.
I'm hoping I will find the courage to go to the Panto next week, to see and support a friend there.
I know for a fact I would love it.
So as I think of another new day, I will take it how it comes, go with the flow, learn, but still keep my dreams surrounding me, so that I don't keep being complacent, but learn to embrace each day.
Right now.......I'm happy!!!







Saturday, 5 December 2015

Purgatorying

I've Not been writing ting enough. 
I've not been writing at all.
I guess I've been busy being a self absorbed pest, my mother has been thrown into doing everything when she is out, as I stay in waiting for parcels.
I'm still not able to communicate to the outside world and peoplewho write to me (I will get back to you all eventually) 
Who am I to be blue?
Who am I to feel dead? 
I will get over this sadness, and out of purgatory.

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again
Anesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes
And fill every hour with activity or ear candy
Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan

And keep me in this state
And keep me purgatorying
And sing me back to sleep
This is far more than I had bargained for

Start every week with a break-neck urgent design
And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time
Spending my fruits my purchases become my lifeline
Please give my love to my family
I'll doubtfully be home at christmas time


Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if i'm to wake
This is far more than i am equipped for


And I've held you up like a deity
Like you're the sole owner of wings
This unrequited tunnel vision
And i wonder why i've not been writing


And keep me in this state and keep me purgatorying 
And sing me back to sleep, this is far more than I have bargained for.