Thursday, 29 December 2016

Thank you to my family and friends for your continual support!!


Well those of you who have read my Facebook Halstead Hermit page will have realised what I went through, everyone has been so supportive, especially my friends and family. 
My mums been my rock, listened as I told her so much more than what was hurriedly written on the page, and my friends who live nearby have been so helpful, one saying they knew I would come to some sort of harm, but me being the (now ex) gullible and occasionally headstrong woman I may not have listened to words of wisdom anyway. 
But enough of that, I'm not in my self pity state state anymore, I'm happy to be alive! To smell the rain, to feel it, to be alive becaus God saw fit that I could just enough physically for the journey home. It was a great journey actually, one of the best seats available, movies, music, oh and a bit of turbulence lol.    


I've come home a stronger person than I thought, or imagined I could ever be. No more will I believe what certain people say, but neither will I be hardened to humanity.
Anyway, I've also come back to find the grim reaper still hasn't finished taking famous people, though I feel for the regular people too, who have lost people at this time.
Mum is glad I'm safe so the song above is not only for  everyone who cares for me, it's also dedicated to my mum. The one who loves me so much.
Thank you Alison, for your love and help, too. That was special. 
So below I'm putting up songs I've listened to a lot this year, some seem a it of a warning I didn't know, others are just lovely or make me feel good. 
I'm sorry I couldn't write much earlier about Christmas, but I hope the New Year is great for everyone .  From a new improved Lizzie!!!
Thanks again, to all my mates near and far xxx
Xxxx























































Couldn't resist that last one lol, so true xxx













Tuesday, 8 November 2016

#WhereIsTheLove





The new video for the second song belowwhere is the love is more challenging than the same question asked here, because the one, about all the conflicts etc of today, the same racism and bigotry, hatred, Icould go on. But it had a special meeting for me this week as I was still in shock over my friends suicide. She's left a young kid, I feel so sorry. But my friend Cassandra phoned me up today and made me laugh, giggle to the point of tears! Oh it won't be long til we meet, and I think her lively sense of humour versus my almost dark will actually be a good blend, it already is. 
Back to the video, the old one, I believe is asking you to ask others where the live is, but the new 
one 
online (which can't be played here in uk yet) I truly believe they are asking ask to ask our own self where is the love. And that's what got to me, that I thought last week I could have somehow stopped 
her, and was I heartless for not doing more? As it turns out my friend had deleted my comment to her, and also her she was not paying attention to most people's comments. I believe (in hindsight) that she had decided that was the day to end her life.
Am I guilty for thinking she is one strong enough? Was there a chance I could have stopped her? Her last post was her saying she feels alone. 24hrs later we all found out. 
I can be a great friend to people and have long wanted to be a part of SOMETHING, but suicidal 
people crack me. The minute they start talking about their reasons to die, I go into a state of panic (on 
the inside) but hardly a word can come out of my mouth, I babble like a 2 year old and the feeling they are having I somehow take onboard and feel myself, to where I become suicdal.
Maybe I need to learn where the love is in me to help people???

 



The song above I've posted as I'm seeing life differently. Mum says I'm "getting ill again" constant ringing and pitchy noises at my ears, my inability to sleep well, projectile vomiting with no notice. But I see my mistakes at how I've lead my life, and how other lead theirs. There is a hypocracy in all of us that we are doing right at one thing and gossiping or thinking to ourselves a judgement on people when we all ALL of  us have some part of our lives need changing. There's pros sly at least one aspect of  our mind body or spirit that we lie in our own ignorance to the journey that's life. 
I know, for example a sizeable part of my foot is numb becuae I don't drink right and very often forget my insulin and diabetic pills. I must change if I'm going abroad this year!!!


Here below is the original Where Is The Love  video I urge you to see the new one on 
YouTube!! Please!!!! 








I live the lyrics in this. 





This is one song I forced myself to listen to all this time to help me make sense of death, love , and what we should all be told during grief and mortality and what you should do: love.



For Cassandra my bestie!!! Xxx









Thursday, 3 November 2016

How to save a life?



"And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life".

Just now, I've discovered one of my friends on Facebook killed herself.
Just this morning I was trying to get across to her how loved she is and how things would get better.
Well, they didn't. Maybe because she couldn't  wait to get out of the hell she was feeling for months. 
What I know is, she had been posting sad comments about how she wants to die "go off the grid" she wrote this morning.  I am so upset that me, someone who knows the signs of depression that 
consumes you, I didn't do more never even thought about consuming darkness you feel surrounding you. I'm thinking should I have reported her posts to Facebook, let them be aware she is ill, then I think they let so much sickness on their site like happy slapping etc.
I'm overwhelmed, and scared for her soul. I feel even that I was a part of this tragic ending because I DID NOTHING UNTIL TODAY!!!
You were a beautiful lady, very intelligent and you did what I tried hundreds of times but up you "succeeded".

Or did you.

Please people think carefully about what people say or write, even if you think your instinct is that 
that person is manipulative, or an attention seeker. I wasn't, my friends were not, and you, you lovely lady who made something too deep inside to deal with any longer, I pray God ypu will be in heaven. 
I couldn't save her life. Mum,for the next few days will be praying my grief doesn't push me back. But I don't care about me, I care about those alive who wish they were dead. YOU ARE LOVED. 
Our hearts think of everyone right now. 
Oh Lord, if I could help people successfully that they found You. 
Please give people hope.





I know this will be hard to read , but this song is for my friend, the last song at my funeral, too. As I am not too well again, this has (probably selfishly, I'm aware) brought up my own feelings of my own suicide, as I have thought of it before 10years of age.

Well, God bless you, my friend, you will always be missed xxx












Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The Dulling (Suspended In Gaffa)


The Dulling. 
For  a long time now I haven't blogged. At first I was sure it was because of the excitement of the plans to better myself. But quickly, and I hate to be honest about this as I felt I had turned a corner, my happy mediums have even gone. I'm lucky if I can laugh once a day, and if I do, it's because my mum has told me she loves me ( and I say it back with as much love, as I think she is making a point of saying this every single day to make me feel better, but more than that, to help me mentally, though she would never say that to my face), other times it's when Cassandra and I are chatting away,  making plans that I pray come true. Or maybe it's a post or a meme on Facebook that brings a smile to me by loving friends. 
Today I went for another tooth extraction. Painful now, for sure! And I can't speak properly as my tongue is still numb, so excuse me if I don't answer a call today. My friend Pauline came to support me, it was lovely though I was not aware of the extent of her fear of dentists and I feel sad I put her 
through it having to wait in the waiting room. 


But I'm even not texting anymore, I haven't emailed in ages and lost the email address of the lovely lady for Essex Knitters and I need to mention something to her. 
I'm getting spammed to heck I'm sure from a spiteful lady. Last week or the week before I started getting the worst anxiety attacks of my life, hands, arms, head, mouth and tongue all tingly and my heart sometimes still feels like I need to be rushed to hospital. 
But like I said the worst bit is the dullness of my good positive emotions. I feel I would like to come off my meds and see if that makes me better, because if I'm not staying awake until 8am I'm asleep more than awake every day. Sometimes I've slept over 24 hours. I seem to need to sleep all the time or at least every 3 hours and sometimes I'm taking all my nights pills by 7.30pm. 
This video, the lyrics, remind me of the kind of purgatory I feel stuck in:











I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I really do think "it" has gone wrong yet again. This black cloud, all surrounding me and stopping me from doing anything. I can't cook, find that I need motivation which I have little of, to the point I will sleep through dinner time then take my pills and miss meals.
Even texting isn't interesting me anymore. I see no point in texting friends as I can't open up to them personally about what I now feel is a weakness in me. So, if I'm not posting here for a while, you could (if it's decent) comment here or inbox me on FB page. Here's another song that I "feel"




But if there's anything positive it's this song that keeps me going each day so far:





God bless, all. Love Lizzie xxx




Saturday, 27 August 2016

The death of Cinders



The death of Cinderella 

I'm wise and ambitious
And  angry and free
And smart and available
And sexy...

And soft and appealing
And wearing pyjamas 
And twisted and willing
And crazy...

and this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to throw her on the floor....


And thought provoking and opinionated
Cultured and funny
And experienced
Fearless and tender
Sweetly unhibited
Likes a good debate....

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's you could do not to tie her to the bed


I could fall in love I million times before I die
You could draw me a bubble bath
We could walk into the sunset...

And this the story of the death of Cinderella
She grew to be a maid because she couldn't find a fella that could please her
And it's all they could do not to shake her shoulders

And this is the story of the death of Cinderella 

I'm gonna grow to be a maid because I'll never find a fella that will please me. 

And it's all you can do not to kick me in the arse.


Life has been strange for me recently. I'm going to meet my best friend Cassandra i
At Christmas/New Year. Will be my first time away from my Mum since a 3 day trip at a high school in Northern Ireland. This is going to be huge, but to meet my best friend will be fab. Little, my other best friend hasn't been week for so many weeks, I've noticed because she was shying away from the Internet, so I haven't been able to see her this year, but I dream I will in the new year....I won't care how cold it is, Lottie!!! Friends and strangers love can make you feel warm. 
I've had to stop knitting as I need to save up my money, I haven't gotten round to counting them all as I need to Rex the ends of each but I have a few full black bin bags in the bedroom being annoying lol. I feel proud that people have taken to theri hearts , the homeless people's pligh this winter. Some 'Man' an es xflatefmage from Trinity House who's a total drunk and drinks in rehabs, he said gto me oh my HH Faceboom page not to give anything to the homes "if we want something we'll ask for it". It took me aback and did hurt. I've never hanged to "push" anything on anyone. I don't ram my religion down people's throats because I think we are all friends to be what we want and believe what we want. Obvs no terrorism lol. But seriously, there's been a bit of a movement, people have donated wool, total strangers helping me out, there are two people knitting as I type, one is Stephane (I WILL get back to you but you will understand why I'm not talking right now) The other lady is wonderful fun beautiful neighbour Jackie (Jacqui?) thank you so much for your most  equatorial intricate scarves! !! THANK YOU!! I'll be putting pics up soon! You are amazing at it and people will so much them wrapped around them. 
Anyway the reason wmy I'm not going out or chatting on phone etc is because I'm a bit low. I was eating a damned meerkat gummy beat and it snapped my front tooth off!! 
See, this is what you get for.not going to the dentists in 2 years. I need dentures 😷😷😷
So next Friday some of my teeth will be pulled and dentures put on. Not looking forward to it. And although I hate going to the dentist, my dentist is a v genuine mice man. Amd the clinic itself is just wonderful and the staff are so lovely they even remembered my name after 2 years!!! 
I'm very lucky to be a client to what I believe to be the best surgery here. Well, at least I'll look nice for America! 
Can anyone tell me what's allowed or more to the point what's not allowed in luggage and hand luggage? And can you use your iPhone and iPad when on plane? I may be a selfie queen. Again!! 
So how are you alll? Hope you're all ok, here  for you no matter what, ok? 
Let me know how you're doing, lotsa love, Lizzie xxx













Go on, laugh!!!
I give you permission lol.
And pyjamas here's me and Cassandra in America this Christmas!



And a photo of my blind boy xx
Love you all, and hoe are you all doing???




Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Desperado to Wild Child...Thank YOU!!




Thank you.

There are so many parts that I have hidden and didn't get lost
There are so many ways that I have cut off my nose to spite my face
There are so many colours that I still try to hide while I paint
And there are so many tunes that I secretly sing away

But come along
I invite these part-time writers
Hello, this invitation
Is one that I’ve stopped fighting



Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely 
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy
this intimacy.

There were so many times I thought I'd die not being truly known
There have been so many moments forever lonely in my location


You come along to celebrate each feeling
And there you are, all honoured and inviting.

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, your empathy
This intimacy


There was a day where the trust that was being asked of me
Required too much, except your generosity
To love myself enough
To let you help me


Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I hear your bide, you empathy,
this intimacy





I'd like to thank my friends, especially my bestie Cassanda and my bestie Charlotte. But all of you,
you take me as I am, don't wish to change me (except maybe for the better) and you guide me. I'm in
awe of all of you. How someone like me, mistrusting yet caring, I've turned around hugely due to your love and support, your want to actually read what can be heart wrenching, or as carefree as anything.



I've asked my friend Cassandra if I can visit her in America over Christmas and New Year...she said yes!!! I'm so happy like a seven year old getting an ice cream on a hot day. That my life is changing and for the better.

I'm a better person because of everyone who supports me,  when I get a smile from a stranger as I'm
in town it brightens my day, so I try to do that to everyone too. You're all probably yet to see my goofy side, my brother will tell you I'm a geek. The reason I've been away is I was to,d my lithium test showed too little lithium, so they've added extra and I think that's what's been making me so
sleepy.




But I'm happy now, I'm no longer the desperado, I'm the Wild Child that Enya sang about.
So I've included the videos below, love and thanks go to ALL of you!!!

Love, Lizzie xxx

Ps last song, if it works was a fave of mine in the 80's










Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Perfect fireworks



We are! Maybe sometimes we don't see it, and when those times occur we feel worthless, maybe store up pills or cut, whatever we do, life is hard at times but can be beautiful, too. We need to find in ourselves (a lot of times with the help of professionals and p/close friends who, when we are not
closed down, can help us tremendously.
Yesterday, I was discharged from the HTT and handed back to the care of my care coordinator or cpn 
as I refer to her. It was a great meeting. The man that came with Jackie, I have no recollection of but I 
had met him before, I don't know where, but it's safe to say I wasn't in my right mind then. 
They said to see me from where I was before my od to where I am now "is brilliant"!!! I felt great
hearing that, and bows the time to fully acknowledge the help of the HTT. They would come out daily for what seemed a long time, the first few meetings I don't remember. Or not very well, then a psychiatrist came and gave me a choice on what two meds I could take instead of Olanzapine and Trazadone . I chose Duloxotine and Quetiapine, not that I really knew what it all meant, but they have helped greatly. The whole team did. I feel ready for what's ahead, I'll be seeing a GP soon to get a gym pass, and I will be looking to join groups, hopefully the WI next month! Yes! Laugh all you want about these things but I need and want them, 
I believe this is the first time in years where thoughts of suicide hasn't popped into my head, no longer am I having days or weeks or months of it, not even a split second, bar the thought sof how I no longer want to commit suicide. 
You can feel this way too, I'm not bouncing with happiness or down as low as you can go anymore. I see a future, I don't know what it holds, but at least I know the choice to live is better and so can you
if you don't feel it now. Are you under the care of the mental health system? Have you thought of being referred? Maybe it's time you do, because miracles do happen. You may think it's a miracle but

for me it was God, the HTT, my CPN for realising I needed big help yet knowing The Lakes wouldn't have be conducive, the meds, my friends. 
Now the gym and meeting people will be another start to the new me I was always meant to be. I add a few songs, some have simple lyrics but the messages are clear, we can let our colours burts and we are not less than perfect. The other song, is not about burning down houses or any relationship, other than the relationship I had with myself, and getting rid of it, burning it down.





















Sunday, 17 July 2016

Your first warden


Saturday was great, I saw two Home Treatment Team people who are just wonderful. They listened as usual but we had such a good chat that we laughed a lot and they made me feel more positive than ever. You see on Monday, the HTT hand me back to my CPN, as they say I'm doing so well.
Obviously I knew having daily then almost daily meetings with the team would come to an end, and it's quite right it happens. I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm happy and those precious meetings with HTT have helped me so much. 
i can only compare what I was going through those months before my od and home treatment as to what goes on in the video below. I hasten to add it's the past, and the one phrase "this is my dream" is important. The word dream. 








Like I said, my dream. Because although I know it was reality, my isolating life lead to it, and I know since I've talked things through and the new meds, Duloxetine and Quetiapine there has been harmony.
I also put this down to Cassandra and I finding each other, we chatted today and it felt just wonderful, she's not going through a good time right now, but can still laugh. Just how I want to be, when the chips are down, carry on carrying on.








I see us as not only being great friends but we can rely on each other unlike other people, a strong bond with our experiences in isolating ourselves, our dreams to meet each other and remain besties for life.
I add this song for Cassandra when she is feeling low. As we both have our faith and I do believe in guardian angels , so the other song is for the both of us, too.

























That song means a lot to me.

While I'm typing I might as well advertise my new Facebook page,  It's the only page approved by Joyce. 
Remember, she has no social media account and will create one when she feels ready.
Anyone claiming to be Joyce on Twitter of Facebook or Google are deceiving people for their own gain. Feel free to join if you agree that she is innocent, and please remember, no other site, profile or group is wanted by Joyce McKinney apart from this one. Hope you join ! 


Hope you all have a lovely day, I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes with being discharged fro HTT and meeting my CPN again.
Love to you all, 
Lizzie xxx







Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Unwritten







The HTT said yesterday they are on their way to discharging me, which means I must be making great progress, I put this progress down to every member of the team who have been so supportive even when at first I was a bit afraid of them, not that they have not been kind, I've never met nice r mental health professionals, they listened, gave me ideas and space to even think of the future.
I've been thinking a lot about that andirons realise the pen really is in my hand for the future. I'm waiting on the Leisure Centre to contact me as with the teams suggestions, one was joining the gym to help. I'm under no illusions it will be so hard with the weight I am, the lack of local exercise and my back pain. But I want to do this. A friend said today she would come with me for the first few times and that's so kind. I've ordered kit online as I wouldn't want to exercise in my jeans!!
I'm thinking about a course or two, maybe even three but can't seem to find the Braintree college website. The last time I went many many years ago I spent one night listening to 17 year old who'd
failed their GCSE's but thought too highly of themselves. They decided we'd do Shakespeare and that
was enough for me to bolt. So I AINT (meant that) going for English. I AINT!! LOL!
If anyone knows of any courses such as cookery or sign language in Braintree please get in touch.
Please!!
I've found a happy medium between feeling too happy (for a lot of people "too happy" has God connotations) and too low. Like Billy Joel says "I don't know how long this feeling will last" but once all I've ordered has arrived I will be back out, in a better place and smiling as I'm doing in my flat.
I know the HTT have read my blog sometimes, so I hope you get to read this and see my happiness is genuine because of you and the doctor. I'm already being a better person, I'm still in contact with Cassandra who is as sweet as ever. My other sweet friend, Charlotte, must be in a bad place so I'm afraid I won't be seeing her anytime soon. Mum says  she can see a great difference in me, I smile, I say I love you, I'm thinking of the rain that I will feel first hand soon, and I'll be glad to be in it.
I'm going to live purposefully, try hard not to give up when someone is bad towards me, and live. Soon enough the song Wild Child will be up at long last.

I hope my friends read this and see the change in me, same goes for anyone (I still consider anyone to
be a friend) will see a good change where there is hope, and anyone else who stays in all the time might venture out even if it's for 5 mins and feel nature. We can do this, you and I, get better and better each day with the help from mental health teams and a psychiatrist who cares and the meds that are right for us. Personally I find the Duloxetine or the Quetiapine leave me with a bad taste in my mouth similar to beer. But I'll take that any day over how I've felt for months.
Don't quit, anyone, everyone, we are the strongest of them all because we've been through it, or are still there but life should be great for all of us. We don't deserve that any less than anyone who seems to have it all.
Feel the rain on your skin and be thankful for it.
Love and hugs to anyone reading, Lizzie xxxx









Friday, 8 July 2016

Ain't nobody got time for that!


I've been seeing the Home Treatment Team for a while now, and apart from one day when I was angry at the world, it's been very good.
Today, the two lovely people that came offered listening ears and great advice. I have to go slow with baby steps. I had all intentions of meeting up with friends for the Music in The Park on Sautrday, but I think just coffee for a hour every now and then will do for now. As the love,h lady said, if something was to go wrong at this stage I'd feel defeated and might take a step backwards.
My 2 new medications. Today will be the 3 red night, and double the dosage. So hopefully better sleep and more of a clearer mind soon. I can only write here or in text because the mistakes are usually automatically corrected. 

Life's been hard recently, I've felt pressured by someone who's now using a fake "celeb" Twitter 
account and hoodwinking many people. This "celeb" also happens to be a friend of mine, as they say in America, down on their luck and unable to deal with much with something horrible going on in her life currently. I feel so sorry for her, as she, according to my friends is being used (as they say I was) by an opportunist. As much as I hate people who sell stories, I dislike people who take advantage of people. I don't go bragging to everyone who my friend is, what she says, or even her views on this person. This lady, and she is a lady, deserves nothing but the best and not duplicity.
 I'm well aware that things done online can be traced, so I look forward to the fact I have had noting to do with a fake Twitter account set up by someone else without my knowledge or consent being exposed, but I have no Time in dealing with people like that. 































So...





























You've been acting awful tough lately

Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately

But inside you're just a little baby, 


It's okay to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than loved, loved, loved

For what you're not
You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable



You are not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable

But you're just troubled


Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted

But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins

Never committing to anything


You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, ring
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing
I've been thinking, no longer will I think I (for now) can't but that:







I'm taking the "'t"  out of things, they've been my "clouds" 





Although I will always love the rain!!!
I leave you with this: 
If someone is poisonous in your life, or makes you that I'll that you vomit several times a day, or if you need words of inspiration..... This woman says it all:


Love To
You!!





Sunday, 3 July 2016

Slowly learning that life is ok



The Home Treatment Team (HTT from The Lakes MHU) have been visiting me everyday. It's been good so far, being able to talk out my feelings etc, and they want to implement things that will help me. The main thing is that they are going to contact my GP so that I could get on the project to get a free gym membership for me. I had to say I couldn't cope with any of this Biggest Loser stuff lol, I think I know my limitations but being in the gym going through what those contestants go though would be enough to kill me! They were quick to say it would be nothing like that and everything would be tailored to what I can do, then improve as I go along. 
I've wanted to go to the gym after I made two friends who go there. I've never felt the impetus to before, and I still believe I will look out of place as the token fatty surrounded by slim people. Now I'm hoping once I've done it for a while a buff man might notice me lol. 
They are also going to speak to my CPN about what else can help, but said this is something we all have to work together on, so I can't allow myself to back out on everything. If people are willing to help I must take it, must as in I want to.
This week w lovely lady sent me some beautiful wool she makes and I'll be adding a link to her Facebook Page soon. Then today, a most wonderful lady came with a trolley full of yarns and my heart was full of such love. How kind people are, you know i never realised exactly how kind people can be until very recently. I've always felt somewhat unworthy of anyone's time, anyone's love, anyone's friendship. And I'm now waiting for a book to arrive about confidence then I shall be out more often. mainly, Cassandra has been helping me out with this, her own techniques could sound like nothing to anyone who doesn't understand agoraphobia. But to me, they are vital! She's such a love for life despite recent events and some that are ongoing. She read my letter today, and what she said about it made me so happy! She says I'm intelligent! So this song I dedicate to her and our 
friendship.




And this song is how I'm feeling now, I'm looking at the big sky again!!


You know, one day I will be free of this, the burdens, the troubled girl, the fears and my depression, it all has to go at some point so I can live!!
I think we can do what we can do but with different circumstances. My mood changes all the time but if I can change my mood, or medication, maybe , just maybe I can change my circumstances.
Now it's time for me to read Battlefield Of The Mind! 
I hope today that whoever is reading is happy, or that circumstances will change for the better for you, too.
I'm sending you cyber hugs!!!
Love, Lizzie xxxx

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️










Friday, 1 July 2016

My Victory


My blind cat


My beautiful mum!



Me wearing my Breakfast Club hoodie lol




Do it! Live and don't let die!!!

As most people know, I overdosed and ended up in hospital the other day. I was a mess but signed to discharge form so I could leave. I felt a fraud being there,no know I'd spent 24 hours unconscious and and all, but I wanted to be home. They were going to call the crisis team for me so I left very early. However my cpn, who is back working, visited me a few times even at home,and not the HTY (Home Treatment Team) are going to see me every day for a while. I hope the ones who come are not bitches,nasninasked for no men to come.
So yes, shock for my Mum, who wanted me to talk to The Crisis Team but I'm sick of them.
I'm going to try to make it on my own soon.























We've got to learn to smile likewise mean it, as anyone who knows me knows I love getting a smile as it can make someone's day. Life is too short, as I just found out. The hospital is not a place where nurses smile,Mand they came you feel like a bit of a robot. Like my mother says once your in the hospital door you leave your dignity outside. It's true. And for mow, though this can change by the hour, I really wish to live. It's a blessing yo get old. Some people don't reach it.
So listen to this song nd see what I mean,



















This song is just too beautiful









Looking at how times change





Tuentrouble we all used to get up to,Mand emotions
 felt. I add this with love;








Sunday, 26 June 2016

Love and Mercy


Love and Mercy.
First off I'm a huge Beach Boys music fan, so the other day I watched on to the Love And Mercy biopic of Brian Wilson.
Music has always been my lifeline, from the moment I knew about melodies then as I grew a bit older, the music combined with lyrics would stir something within me. A survival mode, maybe, certainly and escape. An escape from bad things I could dance or sing and then when I first heard Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush (my brother had it on cassette - remember them?!) I discovered poetry and literature. Before I was put on medication I was once a pretty good poet. My works would have ended up in a book from a competition in high school but being the awkward kid I was I declined it. 
So back to the movie, which touched me deeply, there was a song on it I wanted to send the link to Cassandra. the strongest woman I know. We were talking this morning and I thought I'd put it here for her to listen to herself, since emails don't often work for her. 
"So, love amd mercy to you and your friends tonight". Well, love and mercy is what you need Cassandra, you are a child of God and the apple of His eye. Don't forget that in your darkest days.
Plus this song is for anyone struggling, too, and this moment. We all need someone and sometimes as I found out this week the person I thought was my friend here never really was, or can't understand lithium level problems or possible early menopause, and perhaps she doesn't care to know either, so I'm going back to innocence, not the innocence where I believe someone blindly anymore, I've had enough of lies. But innocence knowing wherever I go, there's a destiny. I don't have to give up anymore, nor does anyone reading this. If I keep giving up after a fair weather friend can't accept my decisions in life, then at least I have real friends who I may not see, but know are there. And they know I'm there for them, too. 
Things might be looking up for me right now, but I still never forget real friends, those in trouble, or in need, those treated like crap by people because they are "different", those caught up by nasty individuals ready to take advantage of them in any kind of way, because you are loving, kind, decent and SPECIAL to me. Every one of you.
Remember what we all need, love and mercy, and if someone is the opposite of that, cut them out of your life and realise the great qualities you have and the beauty you possess both inside and out.
LOve and Mercy to you all, love Lizzie xxx