Saturday, 26 March 2016

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

I haven't been able to tell you the full story Fdont I'm awaiting it hee here for my notes of complaint against liaison at The Lakes MHU, who belittle pe mein fact shames me for something not my fault.
I had been send to A+E because of yet another hypoglycaemic attract, that was not of my own doin or "faked"
I had asked to see The crisis team when I was off the drips amd after about an hour P( or it seemed like it, Amman, a horrid mad who had made his mind up before he saw me took me into a side ell, and he asjked amqueateio (not about the voices I'm experiencing) buy a generic quite tiop where he said he did not believe pppe and asked me to stop the bullshit some could speak to me, this , as it would for anyone, pissed me off and I refused home treatment team ( I am at the moment sitting on a small kinds tinky ncousion so there would be no room for any visiting. I'm dtaying at my mums at the moment as mu has huge stile aft a life threatening operation and I need to be the one to change her bags as she is unable to do so herself.
He said I could meet them in a car around the corner and apart from that beging a stupid "solution" I said nits impractical and I don't like being in any strangers car nor do I dress soupy more, as I feel so low.
So instead of any empathy I see him writing down that I'm blocking it.
I was to,d he would send me a lift home as he was down with me.
I was placed not 6 feet away from the dest of spnurses whee I calearly hear him  say "she's faking it, she's a faker",
He then went one for at least 15 mins how people will do anything to get into Teh Lakes seven jumping in front o pof a bus or"just feeling a little say" "Theyll fake and do anything to get into The Lakes" "at least once a day" 
Blah bleh blow for 15 mins, I had to listen to it all as he called me a liar,
If only he had bothered to ask about my voices, which are more of a concern to me recently,
I never once asked about going INTO The Lakes, I had wanted help with my voices. Even the doctor who saw me in A+E could testify it was to only talk about them.
So hn rushed me through to the Main Entrance to Colchester General, on the way makinhpg a statement that (with emcees sarcasm and joy in saying it) that I have "a great demeanour Elizabeth.

So I did what most people in my situation would do. I took all my daytime n night time meds in one go.
I made it to the duck pond, then realised I could possibly make to the forest and die there without being found. What else could I do after that so called Lakes liaison shamed me (even though I. MYSELF knew I was not/am not a faker.he card so little the they all Dom I am nothing. I do not exist, when I next get paid I'm outta here.
Thank you Joe Delaney

You have made me see I am nothing, my voices telling m to kill. So everyone, remember this post and what he did to me.
Because this can be my complaint letter (I have no printer) and let them read this when I am gone, NO blame on my behalf, but all in his..
Thank you for making me realise I am nothing  except worthy of ridicule. Mbut that been my whole life anyway, he has reinforced this to upthe biggest extreme. 
If I CBT let this be my letter of why.
But I love you all,those whom actually care for me in her wor on my Facebook page. My love to you all, 
Ps this song springs to mind. Xxxx


Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Diabetes - Afternoons & Coffeespoons

My brush with death. 
This is a serious post although just how serious may not be properly conveyed by my sloppy writing.
I'm back from hospital where I suffered Diabetic Ketoacidosis.
For about 2 months I had stopped taking my humualog insulin as I believe the insulin, that type, had been poisoned, messed with as I had suddenly got allergic reactions to it. I'd been on it goodness know how long but suddenly there was huge stinging that would make anyone cry out. It would last up to a minute and I was in agony. So I stopped. I didn't consult my diabetic nurse or doctor. And thought nothing of it.
However the other day, the brilliant pharmacist in Halstead just asked as I was there with mum if I needed any more pens and I said no and why. Her words to me were "check your blood sugar" and she gave me test strips.
I took them, went back. Thinking nothing of it at the time, but I decided to check and my sugar level was 30.1 I kept an eye on it through the night though by 1or 2 am I realised my mouth had been dry for hours to the point where I'd sipped so much liquids it was around 6 litres.
Something was wrong, and my levels were increasing. So I thought I would call 111 for advice on how to decrease the levels and after  2 people saying I needed an ambulance and my refusals, the third person, a doctor, said I had no choice and insisted an ambulance was going to come. The paramedics were great. My blood pressure was "way above 100 and that's enough to take you in, anyway". And that its urgent I go. So I had no choice but to go, still thinking they were doing this for no big deal, I mean, it's just me, right?
But as it turns out my levels kept going up and my thirst was extreme. I couldn't talk without taking water first as it was like a desert in my mouth. 
I've been told I probably may not have made it through the night if I hadn't called, or as I see it, if the pharmacist hadn't told me to check my levels.
So for that, thank you Maria for helping to save my life.
I'm on a new pen with new insulin now. I did it myself for the first time this morning, unfortunately it still stings but not half as bad as humualog so I will deal with it.
My lovely friends, the point is, I had no idea what I was doing to myself.
Even recently if you had asked me "what type of diabetic are you?" I would have replied "Type 2, but only a minor case". I wouldn't have believed anyone, not even a doctor, that I was killing myself by stopping a pen that I thought was killing me.  
I feel very grateful to be writing this today, silly of course that it had come to it by my own stupidity and stubbornness, but I pulled through. I have to take it easy next few days, but I'll be fine. 
Below is a song I thought of while I was spending ages in Resus where they pumped up to 8 litres of liquid onto me to bring the levels down. Most of the staff if that ward were brilliant, and the paramedics were amazing and I thank them all for helping me, same to 111 staff for being so amazing, And a doctor at the surgery who went through red tape just to help me. Thank you, sir. 
I talk about mental illness a lot, but not my physical illnesses. Because to me my mental illness is more prevalent in my mind. Now I've got to see my physical side needs its loving, too.
Wow, I always assumed I would die by my own hands but by purpose, not by mistake.
Showed me even more how precious life is. And so is yours. So be careful, and don't leave things, physical or mental, just because you can. Survive. We have to.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Live While You Can

What a hectic bit worthwhile few days where I have at last taken the proper steps in becoming myself again.
The past week I have come to realise, through people I met and my friends I've never met before follow this blog yet I've never had the chance to really chat to or know probably because I have been shutting down, this is no longer the case!
I took my first steps of independence by leaving my mother in peace (although we chat on the phone constantly when I am in my flat) it's great to have my own space, too.

But the other day I was bold (on the outside) and a spoke to a lovely man who runs the charity shop 

that I love,nif I could possibly next month start volunteering there again. He seemed so genuinely pleased and said I could start even half hour shifts to start me off. I was so happy.
Then we went to asp supermarket where I met a neighbour who had t realised I haved pulled my hear put in hospital months also, and she said I look younger now!!!
She even said I could come round to hers for tea sometime, I felt so good,
Then at the check out I meet a very kind lady who understands a mental illness and reads this blog too! She went up to me once and touched my shoulder as she must have known what I was going through a while back and it's these little gestures that make someone's day.
She us a star, herself.
The next morning I was out at mum and I's usual haunt and a kind gentleman came out to greet me saying he reads this, too. It was a pleasure to meet him and if you are reading this, thank you for acknowledging me and being so very kind.

Those two days had me realise the days can be ordinary, but people Andre extraordinary and everyone has  the ability to cheer someone up and make their days spectacular.
I have been in the dumps for a long time that I had forgotten the power of words and hands that heal. That's right, a handshake or a smile can heal.
So here is a picture of me, as I am now, to show you all how happy I am, 
Thank you all so for sticking by me,mite actually you ho are my inspiration.
Lizzie xxx