Tuesday, 24 May 2016

These little earthquakes

The past few years I've suffered from little earthquakes. Not only the head kind but what I thought was the physical kind, too.
Let me try to explain. I'd have these tremors and earthquakes that I can physically feel, yet as I look at my body, it's not moving, nor are my surroundings. I assumed as someone once said recently, that it was vertigo. I went to the doctors last year and maybe the year before about them but things didn't get discussed in detail as I have ongoing problems such as diabetes and constant back pain.
Well I had food poisoning recently, and now huge migraines and fever so thought I'd bite the bullet yesterday to see a GP about these "earthquakes". Immediately this doctor knew what it was and what I hadn't expected at all. It's not a physical problem, but yet another mental health problem.
Does anyone else suffer from tremors that aren't real btw? Please let me know.
So I've assumed all this time it was physical, yet, as it turns out, my friends that know me well and even my mother knew this was mental. 
But to me, like the voices, they are real. Like the intense fear that washes over me on occasions that doom awaits me, like the thoughts of self harm that can consume me until I go to bed after taking a few too many pills just to make my brain defrag.
I don't recall ever experiencing things like creepy crawlies on me, so hadn't expected theses earthquakes to be mental. 
Is it to do with my bipolar or schizoaffective disorder?
But the doctor I saw, like I said, asked straight away if I'd contacted the mental health team about them, and my jaw hit the floor. I know I couldn't make sense of feeling actual earthquakes but nothing around me including myself moving.
I was so afraid of telling my mother "here's another thing wrong with my head" I felt like a failure but my mum was just relieved I was given by the wonderful GP
Gave me a self referral form for fast tracked therapy. As for my lithium test, it wasn't "satisfactory" at all, my psychiatrist (who the doctor was kind enough to call ) says it's borderline so I am to have another lithium test to confirm it and hopefully more lithium. Although he says the lithium is not what's causing these tremors, so what is, exactly? I've never heard of anyone experiencing earthquakes that aren't there. I'm more used to the earthquakes one gets with bad news etc. Those little earthquakes.
But I'm thankful that things might be sorted out soon, and I pray these things I feel. These real (certainly real to me) earthquakes leave soon. Thank you to our local Surgery for being so wonderful.
All the best to you all,
Lizzie xxx

Monday, 2 May 2016

Raise your glass ( All Apologies)

I want to start this post the right way, and the All Apologies video is dedicated to the church "friends" who ignored me at the Halstead Fete today.

Personally, those people who know me, but chose to ignore me today, the ones so called religious but it's only a front to be popular, thank you. Thank you for showing me I don't need you, never did and hopefully never will. Christians can be the most hypocritical people in the world, I know I'm a hypocrite in many ways but I'm loyal to my friends wherever they are, and deep down I'm a good person. Just because a minister didn't like me confessing to once dabbling in the occult (he asked the door of his office to be kept open...in case I claimed rape? Or in case I appear like such scum that I'd attack him? Still pondering that, as are some parishioners) it seems because I have been too ill mentally to go to church, or even go out, that it's fair game to think I am not worthy.

But like I said, thank you. It could have went either way, I could be sad and cry that these people dumped me because my face doesn't fit, or whatever they've heard, but the truth is, as I've just realised, it's no loss to me if you chose to wash your hands of me, I'm lovable, I'm weird, I'm loyal and find it a blessing that fair weather friends decide to leave me. 
I can rejoice in my weirdness, not my mental illnesses, but my non conformity and actually be proud of who I am. 
I'm not a superstar, nor do I want to be, but for those of us who love Nirvana and 'get' what this song really means, then enjoy as this is a song for those who think I'm less of a person because I pulled my hair out when psychotic last year.....just know this, I'm on my way to being on the mend and life goes on for me. I'm making new friends from the. Halstead Hermit Facebook page, friends who take me for who I am. I even still have 2 friends at church who learn about mental illness through me, they say. And that's what counts. Truest friends I know and meet or friends online who I wish I could meet but may not, yet we love each other the way we are. All flaws included. 
I don't belong, and if you don't join me on The Lunatic Express, as Tori Amos would say.
Raise your glass! You're different but in a better way than them, whoever they are. 
You are unique and even if I don't know you, I love you and accept you for who you are. So accept yourself, please. I learned that today in a harsh lesson but one I needed to learn.

"What else can I say? Everyone is gay". 

Sunday, 1 May 2016

Monsters and Angels

I love this painting, there are various references to it, even some taking the mick.
I took to it after listening to the song I will put below. The group did such a great moving interpretation of it, and also of how I've sometimes felt about my life:
"I'm nobody's wife, I'm nobody's baby, I like it that way, but then again....maybe"

I'm not morose today, I've listened to all types of songs from my playlist, and this song I listened to, as I stared at the painting. 
I would love a poster of this!! 

I saw a psychiatrist this week who is a bit concerned I may have damaged my liver more.
He thinks, because I was honest with him and told him how the Temazapam does not put me to sleep anymore and that I've been doubling doses at night from a stash I have from a time ages ago when I stored them. My thoughts at first were, well, suicide, I think anyone who cuts or has cut in the recent past like I have, usually keeps spares "just in case" of "emergencies". That was my thinking, then I realised I'd stored too many pills, but my Temazapam I was taking still isn't doing its jobs so past few 
weeks I've gone from stockpiling to taking up to 5 10mg a night. Yes it's a lot but I really am not 

sleeping, unless I take huge amounts. Obviously I didn't tell the psychiatrist exactly how many I take or that I still have some (should all be gone in 2days anyway) but he's making me have a full blood 
count as well as the lithium blood test I asked for, I'm sure I need more of them and I'm not stupid with them, though. I'm lucky to know my vomiting is due to reflux and not lithium.

But, see, the song, talks about good and evil in us all.
God himself knows I try to be good, but the bad in me makes leads me to be reckless to myself, and no doubt why I'm alone today. No one would put up with my mood swings! 
I'm not one for banging doors or plates etc, but I swing from high to deep as James would say. I've come a very long way though, although I'll never have a full head of hair again, it doesn't look harsh 

anymore. I look after my mum more, and I try to look after myself though sometimes I can't manage more than one meal a day. I take my insulin twice a day, and I'm thinking of going the the Halstead Fete tomorrow (if there even is one?!) and might broadcast the park to anyone who watches on my 
Facebook profile, as I didn't manage it out last week, and need to. 
Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Btw I'm not condoning taking more meds than you should, I'm just being honest at how silly I've been and may have hurt my liver but that's silly old me, but honest.

Here's the song that I guess could describe us all really.
Lizzie xxx