Tuesday, 8 November 2016


The new video for the second song belowwhere is the love is more challenging than the same question asked here, because the one, about all the conflicts etc of today, the same racism and bigotry, hatred, Icould go on. But it had a special meeting for me this week as I was still in shock over my friends suicide. She's left a young kid, I feel so sorry. But my friend Cassandra phoned me up today and made me laugh, giggle to the point of tears! Oh it won't be long til we meet, and I think her lively sense of humour versus my almost dark will actually be a good blend, it already is. 
Back to the video, the old one, I believe is asking you to ask others where the live is, but the new 
online (which can't be played here in uk yet) I truly believe they are asking ask to ask our own self where is the love. And that's what got to me, that I thought last week I could have somehow stopped 
her, and was I heartless for not doing more? As it turns out my friend had deleted my comment to her, and also her she was not paying attention to most people's comments. I believe (in hindsight) that she had decided that was the day to end her life.
Am I guilty for thinking she is one strong enough? Was there a chance I could have stopped her? Her last post was her saying she feels alone. 24hrs later we all found out. 
I can be a great friend to people and have long wanted to be a part of SOMETHING, but suicidal 
people crack me. The minute they start talking about their reasons to die, I go into a state of panic (on 
the inside) but hardly a word can come out of my mouth, I babble like a 2 year old and the feeling they are having I somehow take onboard and feel myself, to where I become suicdal.
Maybe I need to learn where the love is in me to help people???


The song above I've posted as I'm seeing life differently. Mum says I'm "getting ill again" constant ringing and pitchy noises at my ears, my inability to sleep well, projectile vomiting with no notice. But I see my mistakes at how I've lead my life, and how other lead theirs. There is a hypocracy in all of us that we are doing right at one thing and gossiping or thinking to ourselves a judgement on people when we all ALL of  us have some part of our lives need changing. There's pros sly at least one aspect of  our mind body or spirit that we lie in our own ignorance to the journey that's life. 
I know, for example a sizeable part of my foot is numb becuae I don't drink right and very often forget my insulin and diabetic pills. I must change if I'm going abroad this year!!!

Here below is the original Where Is The Love  video I urge you to see the new one on 
YouTube!! Please!!!! 

I live the lyrics in this. 

This is one song I forced myself to listen to all this time to help me make sense of death, love , and what we should all be told during grief and mortality and what you should do: love.

For Cassandra my bestie!!! Xxx

Thursday, 3 November 2016

How to save a life?

"And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life".

Just now, I've discovered one of my friends on Facebook killed herself.
Just this morning I was trying to get across to her how loved she is and how things would get better.
Well, they didn't. Maybe because she couldn't  wait to get out of the hell she was feeling for months. 
What I know is, she had been posting sad comments about how she wants to die "go off the grid" she wrote this morning.  I am so upset that me, someone who knows the signs of depression that 
consumes you, I didn't do more never even thought about consuming darkness you feel surrounding you. I'm thinking should I have reported her posts to Facebook, let them be aware she is ill, then I think they let so much sickness on their site like happy slapping etc.
I'm overwhelmed, and scared for her soul. I feel even that I was a part of this tragic ending because I DID NOTHING UNTIL TODAY!!!
You were a beautiful lady, very intelligent and you did what I tried hundreds of times but up you "succeeded".

Or did you.

Please people think carefully about what people say or write, even if you think your instinct is that 
that person is manipulative, or an attention seeker. I wasn't, my friends were not, and you, you lovely lady who made something too deep inside to deal with any longer, I pray God ypu will be in heaven. 
I couldn't save her life. Mum,for the next few days will be praying my grief doesn't push me back. But I don't care about me, I care about those alive who wish they were dead. YOU ARE LOVED. 
Our hearts think of everyone right now. 
Oh Lord, if I could help people successfully that they found You. 
Please give people hope.

I know this will be hard to read , but this song is for my friend, the last song at my funeral, too. As I am not too well again, this has (probably selfishly, I'm aware) brought up my own feelings of my own suicide, as I have thought of it before 10years of age.

Well, God bless you, my friend, you will always be missed xxx