Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 6

So life feels better now. I know it all sounds cliché but if you have never know the bad, the good wouldn't mean anything.
I do pray I can be allowed to have this bipolar label off me. Because I believe again that God STILL performs miracles, I hope this is one He will perform, too.
But, if not, these highs and lows might continue, but I don't feel alone.
I feel as though this was quietly put in my ear to remind me I have friends who have always seen my good true colours. I'm not a monster, never was. My life choices and all these circumstances do effect you. I take things to heart, I can be all negative things, but now to reveal to everyone whose never seen them, are the positives! More of them I hope you will see in the future.





And I wonder now, what I would have thought had I looked out the windows of the planes and saw more than clouds. Would I have felt scared? No, I'm certain I would have felt very small ((possibly worried about turbulence, too lol) and wondering what those below are doing, in their homes or traffic jams, praying? When you're up there now days you do wonder about terrorism there in the skies and below. But what we should all think of is below. Again...the Bette Midler version!

So corny it's in me teeth! But I can't fault Bette, I'd loved her since Beaches. PLEASE by the way can someone tell me she won the chart war against Cliff Richard with this!!!!

So thanks to God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit
 

And this song is how I feel and how it is. 







Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 5

The next bit you all know. 
I won't delve into any detail about it because I want the whole memory of that time gone, whoosh, outta here. It will be soon, I know it.

That's how I felt those days.

But of course there was help, firsty by God, who kept my body and mind strong without my meds.
There was Mum, there was Alison, M, P, and my sis and some of those on my friends list I will not mention here. And of course the lovely lady from the British Embassy who got them to pay for a Christmas Eve flight so I arrived home in the morning.





At first the genuine release of gratitude occurred, then the darkness as I had to explain every week to my CPN the things that happened.
But on my birthday, I downloaded a song I hadn't heard in ages, I bought the Bette Midler version and the Elaine Paige version!
I was jaded before, almost like venomous poison ran through my veins, then to have a fantastic celebration where I felt nothing but positivity and love, and hear this song, it was like a Revelation,
So I put this song up for these people: my Mum, who has seen my pain and my tears more times than she deserved yet never once shouted at me, gave hugs and love, Alison for doing more than your best to help me even though I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and I was too proud to let you see the physical state I was in, how I wish we could still pray together, P for calling and I could feel the pain you felt for me, and I love you. You love me and I often asked why. M for giving me help and calling
me, too. You had the foresight from God (and the Internet!) to know it was all going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go but you thought I would have even if you told me. Bless you. My sis who was so worried. I love you and the furbabies so much! There are others, again I won't put their names up here, but thank you,one includes a singer!
This is the song



Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 4

So a funny thing happened one night. I went into town to drink (I don't drink now) and I went everywhere. Then I thought I'd go into the offy and buy some cheap wine. After a queue w young lady was serving me, she took me to one side and said she will sell them, but had I heard of Jesus Christ. I said yes but I don't know what to do. She asked in front of the whole bunch of people and her managers if she could pray for me. I was stunned. I felt she must think I'm actually worthy. She did as she touched me and said her prayer for me out loud. 
This was the beginning. Although not at once, but soon.
We moved to England and even though I wants to be normal I knew I wasn't.
My cutting was alsways superficial, but after a while some were not. I felt peace when I did it.
I know I was raged, and as I don't take deep things out on people, I punished myself. I would be a good girl an wrap my arm and legs up and I would put salt water on my tummy.
This song describes these as "pink ribbon scars" and they are when you feel it, but I regret the damage I caused myself as one arm is very noticeable. But after you've stopped the deep scars are shame to you. However I see them as a memorial to my past.


So of course hospitalisation . Many times.

Eventually we unexpectedly reconnected with our cousin Raymond who put me in touch with a local minister called Alison, she is an amazing friend and I miss her. But she baptised me and I'll never forget.
Of course I'm still "unwell" but I start to feel a light at the end of the tunnel.





Moving along, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar. I hadn't really thought of that, I thought I was just messed up. But - thinking of it my feelings went from the next song to the other in a heartbeat until I was prescribed with lithium.





Next Page



Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 3


so my life was on a downward spiral. 
I managed to ditch my boyfriend, so my life became a bit boring.
I would go to a mental health day centre and I even made painting for a charity that sold at an arena.
I met the guy I used to fancy as a child, Smuf they named him but he was an incredible man.
But I missed the old days, going to illegal raves, my mind blown, thinking I was happy when really it's heavy and the acid screwed my mind up, the amount of voices and vision yet I'd still let him give me more. .
I was lost.











This is for all my friends and readers now xxx

http://thehalsteadhermit.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/hymne-lmour-im-me-again-4.html

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again! 2








These two are for my sis - I love you and all you do!! 
The last is for me, one of the first times music and lyrics touched me.



The Heavyside Lair - Heaven


Monday, 10 April 2017

Hymne a L'mour I'm me again!




Hi friends!
I've noticed for months that I've been enchained. I've been ugly, spiteful and amazingly hateful.
I've chained. And honestly. I knew all of it.
It was my birthday and friends everywhere dear to me sent me birthday wishes, and people I know, family and friends gave me presents, all unexpected. Some I wasn't sure I deserved. But something
happened in our celebration. I felt loved and love. I had thought I was a lost cause, self pity isn't good
on me. But the thing is is felt, almost seen Jesus there with us.yes it sounds funny, but I did, I felt more loved by Him letting me aware of his presence. 
So I'm letting go. I've got something to write below that describes it, I'm also doing a 2 part maybe 3 part(!) of this post so you can read and hear my story. Maybe it will somehow explain who I am and why. It's no pity party, I'm blessed to have Him explain to me that the shackles are not on me in real life anymore. He took them off. 
I'm happy. I'm not a number, I'm not perfect, but I'm loved. Here we go:

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Because you and me: competitive to the bone

Such a tragedy to trample on each other
With hoe much we've endured
With the state the land is in
You and me feel joined by only gender
We are not all for one and one for all

We fight to please thr brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To let beg the club of boys to let us in

You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me: disloyal to the feminine

Such a pity to disavow each other
With how far we've come
With how strong we've been
You and me are on this pendulum together
You are me are scarcely still fuelling

We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonour our sister.....


Ok, so I'll start near the beginning. I'm around 6 and my mother had bought me a new dress. I think by this time I was seeing and hearing things. I go to the mirror in the living room but I'm too short to look at myself in the dress. So I stand on my mums chair and I'm looking actually thinking I'm pretty. My grandmother comes in and pinches my hip, she says "to look pretty you have to lose all that weight I'm grabbing". It crushed me, I stopped seeing myself as the pretty girl I was. I was devastated. It made me look in the mirror and see ugliness. And I have ever since.
Voices dictated that I am what she meant. And sometimes I would look into little mirrors and my face was distorted. 
The song below reminds me of it, and the last bit reminds me of when I was an adult.




All my life I knew The Lords Prayer. But by 18 I felt He had left me. I had a boyfriend who would give me any drug and acid always made me see, hear things even more potent. These were the days raves were e erywhere. And everyone were drinking and taking drugs. My boyfriend always commented how Ecstacy would make both perts tangs and Catholics best friends....if only for the night. I guess I took comfort in this crappy scenes than God . It was like He disappeared. Little did I know He kept me safe though this.
So in the end, even though I knew God existed, I saw bombs go off, riots, dead people. It made me think why would such a God allow this, what was His reason? So the song below is not meant to hurt anyone, it just describes how I felt. Of course, I was way off track But that's how I felt.


Second post to continue!

For my sister and those who want to know how musicals touch me 


Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Delilah - beat it


I'm a bit annoyed as my mum has started to notice my arms (with huge bingo wings!) haave lost muscle, too. I'll have to try that healthy life programme at the hospital for sure now. I don't know if they do exercise up there or just show you, or if they give out leaflets on good food. My new thing is to eat crushed ice. But not to stop myself from eating, but it just satisfies me. Unfortunately I hardly ever, almost never, eat food during day. No breakfast or lunch yet when dinner comes I'm not hungry. But sometimes I try to force a bit down so mum will feel better. The good thing is I'm totally off  the 
sugary fizzy drinks!!!!! Freedom!!!!
I'm totally thinking of my sister who lives in another country. She has had a lot to deal with and I 
want her to know she is so loved by everyone. It is all some of my relatives and her who have deep, caring souls, I'm so blessed to know them!
This was going to be a post where positivity reigned. However my cpn (and others) and myself are aware of some total idiot trying their luck to go too far with me. I've not grown to hate this person, but it's going to learn the hard way what big lies do when it backfires. Their life has already become as tragic as the made it for themselves. But in between videos there are some gifts I've collected and putting here for others who like a laugh, and those who need to know they are loved. Because you are.  Don't forget it xxx

I've got an oldie that I said to myself after an escape. 
So you got what you want what a nasty ambition 
Set me up, pull me down, then exploit my condition.
I should have guessed "lady' that if pressed " lady"
You're On nobody's side but your own and you're behaving
Like a mere "woman" it's so clear "woman"
It's when they start realising that their old and getting worried
.They let fly, take it out on the one who supports them - it's you I'm talking about.
Who'd ever think it, such a squalid little ending, watching you decending just as far as you can go
I'm learning things I didn't want to know
Who'd ever guess it, this would be the situation - one more observation -
How'd we ever get this far before you showed me what you really are?
You'll be lost without me to abuse like you're used to.
Be someone else's parasite.
" I'm not the kind to be vindictive, holding some childish grudge.
How could I be? I'm in the spotlight, half of the world my judge.
All I demand is those I work for those I give all my skills all my time and pain - those that i entertain.
Give me the same compassion in return,
But the fools never learn"








The only thing you can think as she talks at you is




Anyway, as I was there, and as I was in the safe place, I felt so many emotions.
Then recently I wached a music video called Delilah. It was automatically me. The demon on her chest, the wanting to call my mother, my wanting prayers, when you have any kind of addiction (except booze and pills even though they are referred to in the actual video))
But inside thank not fit for rats 1st motel. I  was desperate, trying to get rid of the things and away from the people that  hurt us, and your ego, too. You find 
yourself when you leave to go back home. To watch this, please YouTube it to see the real destruction 
and desperation of being in a shit jole. And laerning you on d had her vision to be completely certain 
You're doing the right thing but all you have done is be innocent and God reveals (St Jude) that you
are no as insane or even insane as others want to believe. 








Here's a link to see it, and I'll put a video of the song lyrics here.




Another conversation with no destination 
Another battle never won
And each side is a loser
So who cares who fired the gun
I'm learning as I'm leaving
And even though I'm grieving
I'm trying to find the meaning
Let loss reveal it.
Maybe she has always been. More comfortable in chaos

(Like me)

As I watch yourself caring about a minor triumph, sharing your "win" with esoterics paranoid 
hysterics, who don't pay attention to what goes on around, they leave the ones the way they found 
them,
A normal person must dismiss you with disgust and weep for those who trusted you.







LOL I had to put these in!




I love cats!









To the novelists the writers, the blessed people with "brain wired differently" so we can feel more pain to feel the nest of everything. This song is dedicated to you


















I  needed this a few months ago! 

I wanted this a few months 



I hate people who pretend they are disabl ed. And to prove it they use electronic buggies yet 
Love being treated as a "poor me"

NOTHING




But some women take dominating a bit too far! 



We'll crucify the insincere tonight




Blame it
on the bad actress.


Weepy 
Poor never Beens




Private Eyes.
I'm a spy on the sly, you see.




Your town.













PI don't think I needed YOU. 














aww lol .





Greed
























































  


















My wee  blind boy!!

My beautiful lil daughter wanting a belly rub! 

Mum and I strawberry picking a few years ago! 

The entities face.








Joe is my hero! 


I had to.



By another beautiful mind gone too soon.



Wonderful man 

LOL








To the unknown lol. 


































LOL














This is me, as I always listen to this near and on my birthday! I just don't bother with the makeup lol.
This whole post will not make sense to many people, it's a complicated story about someone (not me!) being deranged. And who won't let me forget that she still thinks she's a victim. I'm so glad people who know me, and my relatives, and people high up believe me. And always have done. Even better, remember kids, lithium helps you and does not make a man violent!!